It turns out being born with royal blood doesn't make you above the law any more
In a stunning development, a man who was born with magic or “royal” blood has discovered that he is no longer above the law. The paedophile formally known as “Prince” has been arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office.
The arrest took place this morning on Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s 66th birthday, meaning he has lived 25 years longer than his rape victim, Virginia Giuffre.
If Andrew was Queen Elizabeth’s first born, he would be King now and every witness to his crimes would have been given the Princess Diana / Virginia Giuffre treatment. However, it has been decided it is not worth killing so many people for Andrew who no one likes any way.
Andrew was famously involved in the Epstein paedophile ring, but he is not being charged for the rapey stuff because that would implicate others. In a careful damage limitation exercise, we are instead investigating Andrew for sharing state secrets. This will hopefully avoid the worst stuff coming out while giving the impression of accountability.
Andrew was made the UK’s trade envoy, despite having no qualifications, because being a royal, he needed to look like he was serving a purpose. Well, it looks like his purpose involved passing state secrets to Jeffrey Epstein who then passed them to Israel, I mean Russia. I’m no legal expert but that sounds an awful lot like treason!
As you can imagine, my colleagues at the BBC are distraught, having spent years playing down the crimes of Andrew in order to let him off the hook. It is the sworn duty of sensible journalists everywhere to protect the establishment at all costs and now we have been made to look like dickheads.
It is unclear if Andrew has been scheduled for an emergency suicide in his jail cell, but if one takes place, we will be sure to emphasise there were no suspicious circumstances and everyone who suggests otherwise is a “conspiracy theorist”.
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I wanted to celebrate and be flippant about this, but then I watched a 60-minutes video of Virginia Giuffre, her eyes moist, her voice gravely with profound emotion, telling of her mortification. And it sobered me up to the reality that I'd like to pan fry Andy's coglioni then make him feed on them, no condiments.
Monarchy centuries overdue for the bin of history. A very expensive and ludicrous anachronism.