Jordan B. Peterson makes stunning discovery that Elmo is Hamas

He found the sleeper agent hiding in broad daylight

The man who is so smart he once debated Joe Rogan on his podcast (and narrowly lost) has made a discovery that has shocked the world:

The weird furry red alien thing with a falsetto voice is actually a Hamas agent who travelled back in time to before Hamas was invented and joined Coronation Street (or is it Sesame Street?) to radicalise toddlers who are now adults.

I know, I’m confused too. Just know this, Elmo is still radicalising people on Twitter and, as of yet, Elon Musk has done nothing to cancel him. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about Mr Musk.

Thankfully, the smartest man in Canada - who once cried and deleted his Twitter account because a plus-sized model was on a magazine cover - is on the case. Jordan B. Peterson has bravely called out the Hamas sleeper agent because no one else had the courage to do so. This is the kind of thing medals were made for.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: It is entirely possible that Jordan B. Peterson did not shout at Elmo on Twitter and someone faked a screenshot to make him look like the hero we all want him to be. I’m therefore assuming the screenshot is totally real because I want to believe it’s true and I lack critical thinking skills. Plus, Jordan’s genius supporters were unironically cheering this on and that’s good enough for me x

Anyways, it all started when Elmo let slip his true identity by suggesting he thinks Muslims are human beings who deserve our respect. The traitor tweeted:

Ramadan Mubarak, everybody! Elmo Loves you! (heart emoji)

As everyone knows, Ramadan Mubarak is the secret code that terrorists use when strapping on explosive vests, so do not go near Elmo under any circumstances. He could go kablooey at any moment!

Obviously, the phrase that translates to “blessed Ramadan” could not possibly be as innocuous as saying “Merry Christmas” because the people who say “Ramadan Mubarak” have declared war on Christmas.

Did you know that last year Muslims pushed over 300,000 snowmen and tried to turn Rudolph into Halal meat by performing a Satanic ritual? It’s a good job Santa’s favourite reindeer can fly, otherwise he might never have escaped.

Thankfully, Jordan B. Peterson (the B stands for brain) realised Elmo is obviously a Muslim and all Muslims are obviously Hamas so he made a stand. Yes, Canada’s greatest mind stood up to the Sesame Street character who entertains toddlers. He quote-tweeted Elmo’s Hamas propaganda with the following:

Hamas

Will never win

Over the righteous keepers

Of the West

Up yours, scum

As you can see, poetry is alive and well, but we still need to confirm the authenticity of this fine work of art so help me out here…

Sadly, it appears Jordan B. Peterson has deleted his totally real quote-tweet, presumably because the woke mob came for him again and he’s a snowflake. This makes me upset because I preferred it when we weren’t hiding our racism. It made life so much easier x

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