Julian Assange extradition delayed until US promises not to kill him

The people who plotted to murder him can totally be trusted

As you probably know, the High Court has made the infuriating decision to grant Julian Assange limited leave to appeal his extradition to the US, even though there is undeniable evidence that he is guilty of telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (These are bad things in the US.)

Assange actually has the highest accuracy rating of any journalist in the history of the world at 100%, but everyone knows the biggest crime you can commit is being accurate about politicians. Assange is lucky Hillary Clinton didn’t drone-bomb him for telling people about the things she did, making voters decide they don’t like her. Informing the public about politicians is the biggest threat western democracy faces because all of our politicians are sociopaths.

To put Assange’s journalistic accuracy into perspective, my accuracy is about 46%, although it occasionally goes higher when I’m sober and can be arsed to fact check. If you were unclear why my fellow journalists and I were quick to throw Assange under a bus, it’s because he was making us look terrible at our jobs. He kept forcing us to ignore the pressing issues we pretend to care about. Imagine seeing your mate commit a bank robbery and then insisting you couldn’t see anything because you weren’t wearing your glasses. That’s what we had to do!

In this case, Assange absolutely did see the bank robbery, and the murder of civilians, and the torture of prisoners, and the mass surveillance of the public, and he only went and told everyone, which is why he is facing prosecution. He wasn’t even on US soil when he committed the crime of accurately reporting crimes committed by Americans, but that small detail doesn’t matter because the law says so, even though it doesn’t.

Laws are funny things because when you do something now, you’re not just expected to know the law in the country you’re in, you’re expected to know the law in every country in the world and comply with them all, even if they contradict each other!

Let’s say you do something that’s not illegal in your country, but it happens to be illegal in say, Egypt, and Egypt decides it wants to feed you to Nile crocodiles as punishment, you could find yourself facing an extradition order. All Egypt has to do is give “assurances” that it totally won’t feed you to crocodiles and next thing you know, you’re dangling by your ankles above the Nile.

It serves you right for not knowing the thing you were doing online (watching MILF porn) was illegal in Egypt. This is because everyone’s domestic laws apply everywhere in the world now. What do you mean this makes no sense?

If it didn’t make sense, Julian Assange wouldn’t be fighting an extradition to the US for breaking an archaic law, would he? Do you seriously expect me to believe domestic laws don’t apply worldwide and we’re making a special case for the US because they make the rules up as they go along? That would be ridiculous!

Julian Assange deserves to be punished because he showed the world that US soldiers were killing civilians like they were playing Grand Theft Auto, and CIA operatives were watching you get undressed in your bedroom through your laptop webcam. Well, okay, not you. They obviously weren’t watching you, I mean attractive people! No one is watching you, sweetie.

Obviously, we all know Assange should be extradited for committing a crime in the country he hadn’t set foot in, but sadly, the High Court has delayed extradition proceedings by a few weeks, spoiling the fun of the most vindictive bastards on earth.

Today’s judgement said Assange can’t be extradited, unless the US agrees to not discriminate against him on the basis of his nationality. This is an absurd double-standard, considering the Rwanda plan is based around discriminating against people because of their nationality. Well, okay, it’s actually because of their skin colour, but you know what I mean. It’s sort of the same thing, only in this case, Assange is so bad, we want to discriminate against him even though he’s white, which proves we’re not racist.

The High Court judgement said Assange can’t be extradited, unless the US agrees to not execute him (because putting people in electric chairs is an American pastime). I find this stipulation particularly weird, considering we’re sending weapons to Israel, precisely so they can kill people. I’m not sure why we’re getting all squeamish about one guy when we’ve helped kill over 30,000 civilians and maimed like 70.000 more. Make it make sense.

Thankfully, the High Court said it would not consider evidence the CIA had plotted to kidnap and murder Assange because they won’t need to kidnap him if we hand him over to his would-be killers, making that concern irrelevant. As you can see, this is impeccable logic.

All we need now is assurances from the US that it doesn’t plan to do the things it plans to do and Assange will be on the next plane. Yes, the High Court has decided that as long as the US promises not to abuse the human rights of the man it wants to murder, that’s good enough for them! Trusting them on this matter is like handing a steak to your hungry dog and expecting him not to eat it. I don’t know about you, but I totally believe in the self-restraint of Poochie and so should you! x

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