Keir Starmer says he had no idea he was prime minister when Peter Mandelson was hired as ambassador
In a stunning admission, Sir Keir Starmer has revealed he had absolutely no clue he was prime minister when his old friend Peter Mandelson was appointed as ambassador to the US, last year.
“I was absolutely furious to discover I’d been prime minister for the last 21 months,” Starmer told a bewildered press conference outside Downing Street. “Frankly, I’m baffled. Given that I haven’t made a single governing decision in that time, it came as a great shock when everyone started blaming me for hiring the Prince of Darkness.”
It’s fair to say the confession threw almost every journalist in attendance. Reporters exchanged glances and muttered, almost in unison: “This actually explains so much.”
The bombshell comes just days after The Guardian revealed that security officials had recommended against granting Mandelson “developed vetting” for our most important diplomatic tole. In a creative interpretation of the rules, the head of the Foreign Office overruled the decision because Mandelson is the only man on the planet who can relate to President Trump.
Mandelson touched down in Washington in February 2025, but it remains unclear whether anyone told him he’d got the job, or if he was just attending an Epstein Island reunion party.
When pushed on the latest Epstein revelations, Starmer finally broke from his pre-programmed line that “full due process was followed” to insist he had “no idea what day of the week it is”, spinning around and asking journalists: “Who are you? Where am I?”
When reminded that he is, in fact, the prime minister and is standing in a press conference outside Downing Street, Starmer mumbled: “Yes, of course, but it’s completely unacceptable that no one told me earlier. I vaguely remember applying for the job a few years ago when I resigned as chair of the ‘We Hate Jeremy Corbyn club’. I might have even had an interview—I’m really not sure—but for no one to tell me I’d been hired is the height of bad manners.”
Now some of you might find it hard to believe that Starmer was unaware he had started the job, but in his defence, his lovely wife Victoria is usually totally unaware when he has started the job too. What do you mean, that’s probably for the best?
When pressed on whether he would resign, Starmer said: “Don’t be silly. I’ve only known I was prime minister for a few days. You can’t expect me to resign now. The bureaucrats, who never told me I’d passed the relevant checks, should resign. I’ve already told the head of the Foreign Office I have no confidence in him, even though he wasn’t in the role at the time.”
Earlier, I spoke to staff at the Foreign Office who said it’s “totally unfair” that their boss gets the blame when they’ve been running the country this whole time. They added that Mandelson was the perfect person to gain the trust of Trump, due to their mutual friendship with the late financier and all-round good egg Jeffrey Epstein.
Mandelson’s “extremely relaxed attitude to personal relationships” was seen as the best way to stop our great ally from crushing our economy. In fairness to the Foreign Office, the strategy appeared to pay off. By May 2025, Britain had secured a trade deal that dodged the worst of the steel tariffs and Trump looked like he would successfully cover up the Epstein files.
Mandelson was pictured grinning with Trump like two old chums who’d definitely never discussed anything sensitive during a session with two young masseuses. Then the latest batch of Epstein files dropped.
Mandelson’s 30-year history of scandal suddenly became a minor sticking point, so the Foreign Office decided he could never be left alone with anyone important. Yes, they trusted him enough to send him to Washington, but not enough to let him wander around unsupervised.
To be fair, the babysitters did an outstanding job: Mandelson only leaked state secrets on a small number of occasions and police feel confident they can get away with sweeping this under the carpet.
Downing Street sources say Starmer remains “fully committed” to the role he didn’t know he had until a few days ago and looks forward to not taking responsibility for the next thing he does wrong. Next time, the tea lady is getting the blame.
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I think the confusion is that he didn't know he was supposed to be governing the UK. Quite understandably he thought he was employed by Israel.
"looks forward to not taking responsibility for the next thing he does wrong".
Oh the stark parallels in our Western governments. Modeled, naturally, by the animated but wax-brained statuettes of the Trump administration quoting Quentin Tarantino to clarify their erroneous actions.