King Charles and President Trump to set up "new Epstein Island" with retirement home for Prince Andrew

King Charles and President Trump have announced a landmark transatlantic partnership to establish Little St James 2 — a tax-payer funded paradise for Prince Andrew and any other embarrassing family members who need to be kept out of public view, as well as scandal-hit billionaires who need to avoid police investigations.

The $1 billion luxury resort will be funded by struggling British families and Americans with no healthcare. It will come equipped with state-of-the-art facilities, including a Ba’al temple, a Pizza Express, a modelling agency, lots of hidden cameras, sound-proof dungeons, and a discreet acid bath that drains into the sea.

The resort will even have a museum dedicated to Andrew’s greatest achievements, called Sweaty Palms, Teddy Bears and Naval Exploits. It will include the Steiff bear collection that it is perfectly normal for a grown man to own, as well pictures of Andrew with foreign dignitaries and teenage girls he’s never met. It will even include memorabilia from Andrew’s glittering 22-year naval career that won him dozens of medals. He was truly fearless in battle.

“This is going to be huge, folks, way better than that other island, believe me,” a grinning President Trump told reporters, and given how much fun he had at the last island, that is one bold statement.

When the King flew over to the US, many in the UK were unsure if it was a good idea, if it was even possible for the two countries to repair the “special relationship”, but those doubters have been proven emphatically wrong. The US and UK are still bound by our shared values, such as protecting the worst people imaginable from accountability and funding the lavish lifestyles of a lucky few.

Excitingly, Little St James 2 will host wild parties that every politician and billionaire, apart from Elon Musk, will be invited to. Even paedophiles have standards. Reassuringly, all models will be expected to sign non-disclosure agreements before entering the on-site massage rooms, and they will stick to those NDAs, if they know what’s good for them.

As you can imagine, Ghislaine Maxwell is eager to re-join her old friend, Andrew, just as soon as she’s got that presidential pardon she’s been patiently waiting for. I’m told Jeffrey might also relocate there. I mean, no he won’t because he’s, um, dead, honest.

Construction of Little St James 2 is expected to be completed sometime before the next royal scandal, but probably not before the next Trump scandal — nobody can work that fast. Early reservations for “old friends” are being logged in a little black book that will definitely not become embarrassing for them at a future date.

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