Labour leader hires Margaret Thatcher as chief adviser
Anyone who disapproves is a Tory enabler
Due to concerns the Labour Party is only 21 points ahead in the polls, Sir Keir Starmer has hired Margaret Thatcher as his chief adviser. It is hoped that by digging Thatcher’s festering corpse out of the ground, enough of Labour’s base will hate him that he can win the approval of those who really matter - the corporations who will pay him lots of money.
You might be wondering how this is going to work, given Thatcher can’t speak because she’s been dead for ten years, but remember, it’s wrong to discriminate against people who are no longer alive. Plus, this problem has an easy solution: Rachel Reeves is going to stuff her hand into Thatcher’s ribcage and ventriloquise. Most girls play with Barbies, but the shadow chancellor was never an ordinary girl, and this is her lifelong dream.
Let’s not forget, Thatcher was our greatest ever prime minister until Liz Truss came along and reigned for six glorious weeks until she was slain by a lettuce. RIP.
Thanks to Thatcher’s vision of mass privatisation, almost everyone is eating from food banks, paddling with turds, abandoning the idea of central heating, sending kids into schools with roofs that could collapse on their heads, and hoping they don’t die in the privatised NHS queues.
Starmer proclaimed: “Margaret Thatcher sought to drag Britain out of its stupor by setting loose our natural entrepreneurialism”. He then spoke of the “meaningful change” which put three million people on the dole, got rid of our social housing stock, snatched the milk from school kids, broke the housing market, decimated our manufacturing base, destroyed our high streets, and gave control of our lives to a tiny handful of corporations who want to enslave poor people in the name of “sensible economics”.
Thanks to Thatcher, young people will never suffer the misery of not having a landlord and I’ve never once heard the ungrateful shits show gratitude.
Thatcher was famous for waging war on trade unions, and I’m no historian, but I’m pretty sure this is what Keir Hardie had in mind when he founded the Labour Party. At last we have a Labour leader who gets it. Clearly, the toolmaker named his son well.
Starmer’s supporters have explained their leader is talking this way to show he has changed the Labour Party by destroying the only living leader who has never praised Thatcher or supported a genocide.
Thatcher is still hugely popular with bastards because she used to say hateful things like: “Children are being taught they have an inalienable right to be gay... those children are being cheated of a sound start in life.”
Starmer hopes he can reassure the public that he is walking a middle-ground between bigotry and anti-bigotry. However, he is hedging his bets by calling anyone who refuses to vote for him a “Tory enabler”. The only way to not be a Tory enabler is to vote for the leader who loves Margaret Thatcher. The other leader who loves Margaret Thatcher.
What’s unusual about Starmer’s strategy is that we've been doing Thatcherism since 1979 and everyone who matters agrees it’s brilliant. At this point, it would make more sense if the Tories and the other Tories just merged into one party. However, there is one key difference between the Tories and the other Tories.
While the Tories made the mistake of writing off Scotland as “that frozen wasteland where the White Walkers roam”, Starmer is telling every Scot what they really want is a return to the glory days of the 1980s. It is hoped this strategy will appeal to the four people in Scotland who drink tea from Queen Elizabeth II cups.
The Tories abandoned those four voters in Scotland after believing they had become extinct, and this could be their fatal mistake. It is believed there might actually be more than four people in Scotland, but no one knows for sure because the ice realm hasn’t had contact with civilisation (London) in years.
In order to win over the last remnants of humanity in Scotland, Starmer sent them a message in morse in which he explained the Tories had “failed to realise the possibilities of Brexit.” Someone asked if the Labour leader might reconsider his words, given his new adviser was just as pro-EU as the Scots and he might cause a diplomatic incident.
Starmer simply replied: “What do you think I am? A remainer?” and he threw Thatcher’s corpse back into the ground. Rachel Reeves was distraught x
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What is the point of voting labour now? We don’t have a democracy.
I hate Starmer
At least on your side of the pond there seems to be some number of folks who realize what an utter disaster Thatcher was. On this side the unwashed masses remain enamored with Thatcher's contemporary and rumored paramour Reagan.