Little Tommy Robinson is now a refugee after fleeing UK

The UK’s favourite pint-sized fascist, Tommy Robinson, has announced that he now self-identifies as a refugee. Although Little Tommy is biologically patriotic, and grew up fiercely opposing refugees, he had a change of heart after feeling “unsafe” in Luton. He has therefore fled to an unknown safe space where he hopes his feelings will be protected. Bless his cotton socks.

I’m told the people of Luton were so enthused by Little Tommy’s planned departure that they kindly bought him a one-way plane ticket. Upon leaving, he confirmed his departure was nothing to do with the bailiffs chasing his £100,000 of debts.

Little Tommy insists he is a priority target of ISIS, but when I contacted ISIS founder Benjamin Netanyahu, he rejected the accusation, insisting he admires Little Tommy’s politics of division. The confusion has led to some suggesting Little Tommy is “full of it”, but I doubt the man who lost a libel case for terrorising a child would ever lie.

It is my belief that Little Tommy was genuinely scared because when you’re that small, even primary school children are intimidating. Little Tommy has always argued that fighting age men should stay and fight, but he is not fighting size. When the going got tough, the founder of the English Defence League wasn’t so keen on defending England, after all. He would much prefer to sit on a beach somewhere hot.

Little Tommy explained that while it is unacceptable for black and brown people to flee to safety, an exception should be made for pale midgets. However, I’m told the natives disagree and have been yelling: “Go back to where you came from, racist!” Their hostility has left Little Tommy feeling upset. He said he doesn’t understand why anyone would judge him for having different views.

Little Tommy has demanded that he is kept in a 4-star hotel and feels the idea of staying on an asylum barge is “inhumane”. He explained: “I’m far too white to be treated like a fucking brown person. If the conditions don’t improve here, I’m going home.”

A spokesperson for Luton explained: “Under no circumstances are we having Tommy back. We have revoked his citizenship like Shamima Begum and that decision will not be overturned.”

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