Liz Truss is paid £15,770 an hour for her main job

Her second job as an MP pays peanuts

It’s been revealed our former prime minister, the accidental disaster capitalist who lasted almost as long as a lettuce, is paid £15,770 an hour for her main job. If you didn’t know, the tireless Liz generously works a second job as an MP because she knows her country needs her. Personally, I can’t think of anyone more qualified to protect us from corruption and repair the economic damage caused by Liz Truss.

On top of the earnings from her main job and side hustle as an MP, Liz was recently paid £20,000 an hour (1,500 times the minimum wage) for a speech in Taiwan in which she tried to declare World War III because China closed its pork markets, ruining her Brexit plans.

Sadly, everyone ignored Liz’s declaration of war because they didn’t fancy being gamma-rayed into charcoal skeletons when they have a slow and miserable death from climate destruction to look forward to.

Thankfully, Liz has been given more opportunities to impart her wisdom, receiving £32,000 for a speech to a newspaper in Switzerland, £65,000 for a speech to a media firm in India, and £6,000 for a speech at Tokyo University in which she mesmerised students with her robotic tone and dramatic pauses (while the data was loading from the floppy disk in her neck).

Now I know what you’re all thinking - Liz is shockingly underpaid, given her selfie skills, exceptional taste in hats and ability to deliver rousing speeches. Obviously, Liz is worth loads more than 1,500 minimum wage workers. Just because she wouldn’t last half a day on the till in Poundland, doesn’t mean she’s inferior to Sandra who works 50-hour weeks while on the waiting list for a hip replacement.

Liz is at least 3,000 times better than Sandra, and yet she is shockingly underpaid, thanks to the Antigrowth Coalition™, but Liz isn’t the only one who is shockingly underpaid.

Our second greatest prime minister ever is paid just £21,822 an hour which barely covers his child support bill and the cost of his wine suitcases and Carrie’s shoe addiction. This is why we’re paying for his legal aid.

The man who can’t remember his phone password, got sacked twice from newspapers for making up quotes, and messed up so badly he got a woman jailed in Iran, has skills which are highly in demand. The world’s leading companies are desperate for a man who is still learning to brush his hair and pee without dribbling down his leg.

Despite his impressive CV, which includes hiding in fridges from journalists who ask questions, breaking the ministerial code whenever he fancied opening a wine suitcase, and staring at Katie Price’s boobs while Russians secretly filmed him, Boris has only made £4.7 million in the past year.

Johnson receives a paltry six-figure sum to spend 15 gruelling minutes a week scribbling a Daily Mail column in which he squeezes in as many bigotries as possible. (Last column, he squeezed in a personal best of 42 bigotries, including two in Latin.)

In his desperation, Johnson has penned a £510,000 deal with Harper Collins to write a 46% truthful memoir in which he is keen to show off the advanced slurs he’s learnt. Personally, I would pay at least £1,000,000 for this level of racism. He’s going to be dredging up archaic terms from the 1700s for fuck’s sake and he’s willing to accept pennies for this knowledge. PENNIES!

As you can see, this proves Tories get into politics for the right reasons and are not handsomely rewarded for letting rich bastards loot the country. I don’t know about you, but I feel disappointed the people who doubled their wealth from Tory giveaways couldn’t be a little more generous.

An ordinary person could not cope with an extreme workload which includes letting a secretary do your work so you can practice standing in front of an autocue to read out corporate propaganda. The fact MPs have the time and energy to do this is quite remarkable and their willingness to accept poverty is noble. But their sacrifices are not enough for some.

Can you believe some leftie bastards want to stop MPs from having main jobs? Apparently, they think being an MP should be their main job. Why they would want MPs to twiddle their thumbs in an office all day, watching the secretary do their work is beyond me. What would be the point?

Personally, I think we should forget about the 6% public sector pay rises and give more money to our greatest heroes like Liz and Boris. It’s only what they deserve x

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