Man called Charles handled record haul of stolen goods in Scotland

He then declared himself "king"

Yesterday, King Charles “received the crown jewels” in Scotland in what legal experts are calling the biggest example of handling stolen goods in human history. This was Charles’ second coronation of the year, but he was quick to point out it was just a “mini-coronation” because he is exceptionally humble.

Charles arrived in Scotland to declare himself “king” because we are living in the 13th century and democracy seems a bit too modern and radical. We must stubbornly stick to our “proud British tradition” that the people of Scotland never consented to. Unlike other stupid things we did in the past like slavery and letting children drink beer, hat-fitting is a tradition we have to keep.

To be fair to Charles, this ceremony offered a reasonably modern spin on the whole coronation thing. Your favourite undead monocle-wearer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, explained the “Honours of Scotland” ceremony began as recently as the 1800s. Jacob fondly remembers when a woman called Victoria participated in the first one when he was a boy who was yet to taste human blood.

Jacob actually seemed to be the only spectator who was enjoying himself, apart from Nicholas Witchell obviously. The BBC royal correspondent got carried away with himself and pretended the ceremony was being watched all around the world, including in a made up land called “New Zealand” where terrifying barbarians called “Maoris” live upside-down and birds that can’t fly lay kiwi fruit. Hilarious, I know.

Nicholas sadly malfunctioned when his circuits froze and he was wheeled back into his cupboard, meaning yours truly had to take the reins. Honestly, it was the most boring thing I’ve ever done since the last royal thing I did. I had no idea what to do or say, so I kept repeating: “The British are brilliant at doing pomp,” whatever that means.

Angry Scottish savages kept yelling: “We’re not fucking British, Laura!” and someone threw a sheep’s brain at me.

A protest group called “This Is Rigged” were arrested for wearing man-skirts called “kilts”, due to concerns William Wallace and his cohorts would bare their arses. The police had earlier made clear they would not tolerate free speech or bad fashion choices, although Charles and Camilla were given a free pass.

The self-proclaimed king and queen sensibly wore several layers of fur because this is Scotland, Land of Endless Winter, and given that reptilians are cold-blooded, they weren’t going to survive the -32C temperature without help.

The Scottish primitives thought it was mild enough to forego underwear and called the self-declared king and queen “soft shites”. They then gleefully drank blood wine and fought over the last remaining “haggis” (you don’t want to know).

Among the dignitaries in attendance were King Joffrey Barotheon, the Sultan of Agrabah, Queen Elsa, Aslan, Ant and Dec, Prince Caspian and King K. Rool. Scotland’s last four surviving Tories were in attendance, but they were escorted by armed guards riding wooly rhinoceroses because there were fears the locals would eat them.

Someone played a violin during the ceremony because this is the 13th century and they haven’t heard of anything cool like electro house, lo-fi hiphop, garage rock, K-pop, or Rick Astley.

When things finally got underway, Charles tried on a new hat called a “crown” because the last one he tried on felt special and it was no less than he deserves. Some of us go to Primark for a pick me up, but not Charles, he prefers exotic blood-tainted treasures worth the GDP of a developing nation because he’s got a massive ego.

Things got a bit rowdy so Charles was handed the “Elizabeth sword” which is the rarest weapon in Skyrim and has the high stats needed to keep drunk Celtic fans at bay. Charles loudly mocked the hecklers and explained he’s wearing a Rangers shirt underneath his animal furs. He then ran away and hid in a castle on top of a mountain in the middle of Edinburgh. I’m not making any of this up!

Armed guards fired 21 guns into the air, narrowly missing fighter jets that swooped overhead and showed restraint, opting not to launch airstrikes on the angry Scots yelling “Not my King!”

Personally, I would have opened fire to make the day a bit more exciting. There is only so much standing around a woman can take and the heat of burning corpses would’ve kept the rest of us warm.

By the time the ceremony was finished, we could see aurora borealis swirling in the sky and I swear I heard a Norse god say: “Thank fuck that’s over with.”

At this point it was so cold, two politicians I’ve not heard of called Douglas Ross and Anas Sarwar were hospitalised because the smiles they faked for 16 hours froze in place. In fact, it was so cold, I lost two fingers and the end of my nose fell off. The doctor told me they would grow back, but I’m not sure if he was humouring me because honestly I look ridiculous x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x