Man in silly outfit cheerfully announces new age of authoritarianism on behalf of prime minister everyone hates

Yesterday, an unelected man sat in the unelected House of Lords, wearing a silly hat and the skin of several small, furry animals that made him look like he had just returned from a medieval stag do and was bravely fighting a hangover. We’ve all been there…

King Charles III, brother of the world’s most famous paedophile and offspring of two cousins, announced a list of exciting government policies that more or less completely disregard the Labour manifesto. It is hoped these policies will deliver a boost to a government that is currently polling somewhere between sour milk and use-by date.

The flagship announcement is that Britain is getting digital ID whether it likes it or not. The public might have emphatically rejected the whole idea the moment they realised it was a Trojan horse for authoritarianism, but don’t worry, that Trojan horse has been given a makeover and returned as something you will want rather than need. You’ll want it to access government services, get a job, rent a house, open a bank account, buy something online, go on holiday, access the internet, withdraw your own money, or participate in modern life in any way. Don’t worry though, these requirements won’t arrive all at once. They’ll be phased in gradually so you won’t notice what is happening, like a frog slowly boiling in water. Isn’t that lovely?

The cleverest aspect of the Digital Access to Services Bill is letting private companies decide whether they fancy demanding your digital ID. That way the government can pretend it’s not mandatory in the same way that having a job is not mandatory, but good luck surviving without money. And good luck surviving without your GOV.UK digital wallet, once half the economy demands it. This is the kind of technology that the term “function creep” was coined for!

Let’s not mention the inadequate security measures that will make our personal data leakier than the average school roof. Are you ready for identity theft? What about public humiliation when your nudes are being passed around WhatsApp?

The Home Office swears there won’t be a single centralised database containing all of your embarrassing secrets. Instead, they are setting up dedicated teams, each with their own database, such as Online Safety team that will monitor your tweets for wrong think and freeze your bank account if you make fun of the prime minister’s nasally voice or object to his latest war crimes. You have been warned.

Last year, we were told that digital ID was needed to stop illegal workers, but now that it’s “voluntary”, we’re quietly admitting that argument was a lie. The original plan was rejected harder than Elon Musk at a Little St James party, but Starmer is shrewdly ignoring the three million signatures on the petition that opposed it.

“If you don’t like it, I say the door is open and you can leave the UK”, the prime minister insisted, perplexed when his approval rating dropped by another two points. The people that matter were delighted though…

Big tech execs were popping champagne corks because they will soon get a peak at your bank account, location data, private messages, personal photos, the list goes on! The most evil corporations in the world will gather kompromat on everyone in the UK, unless politicians are smart enough to make themselves exempt, that is.

Keir Starmer is not smart enough to realise that digital ID could one day be used against him. He’s just hoping it will rescue his premiership by giving him the power to crush dissent — and he might yet succeed. But don’t worry, if he can’t survive the fallout from the local elections, he will be replaced by someone who is identical in almost every way. Politicians like Starmer are created in a factory owned by Jeff Bezos, which explains why they are so cheaply bought and easily replaced.

The shortlist for the looming Labour leadership contest has been drawn almost exclusively from the membership of Labour Friends of Israel because anything less than wholehearted support for genocide would be antisemitism.

The clear frontrunner is the Palantir-endorsed Wes Streeting, who is strutting around with the confidence of a man who believes he could be the Labour Party’s last ever prime minister. Whether that’s because he plans to rule forever or simply destroy the party on behalf of his donors is anyone’s guess.

Andy Burnham is thankfully blocked from standing, due to the concern that the electorate perceives him as being moderately human. The only realistic soft left challenger is Angela Rayner who is offering “real change” — same policies, louder northern accent, constantly blaring “I’m from the working class, me” at anyone who’ll listen. She will sensibly keep the digital ID framework, but rename it the “People’s Empowerment Wallet” and add some rainbow branding to the login page to show you she cares.

The question now is do you prefer woke or anti-woke authoritarianism because those are your only options, apart from revolution. Actually, forget I said that last part. You could get me in trouble…

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