Marco Rubio just admitted that Israel walked the US into war like a poodle on a leash

In the least surprising revelation since Obama let slip about aliens, Marco Rubio just confirmed the US didn’t start this almighty fuck-up with Iran. Israel did.

While this was clearly an attempt to get the Trump administration off the hook, the US Secretary of State revealed who is really in charge — and I can tell you, Netanyahu is pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he is threatening to release some of the president’s family videos with Iva… Actually, let’s not go there.

Rubio spoke to reporters after briefing Congress on how things are going so well that six American service members are already in body bags (while keeping the true figure secret): “We knew there was going to be an Israeli action. We knew that would precipitate an attack against American forces… so we pre-emptively went after them.”

Translation: There is no plan, other than launch lots of bombs and see what happens. Netanyahu told Trump: “We’re doing this whether you like it or not and your bases are gonna get wrecked either way.” That’s America’s greatest ally for ya, folks. What would Americans do without Israel? Universal healthcare? High-speed rail? Bridges that don’t collapse when their oversized cars drive over them? Obviously they’d much rather have an AIPAC, wouldn’t you?

It appears the president who ran on “no new wars, America First” was sent a few screenshots from the videos Pam Bondi has been frantically deleting. As soon as they hit his inbox, Trump replied: “Yes sir. You can count us in, sir. I’ll sacrifice as many of our service men and women to Ba’al as you like. And when you come back to the US, I’ll be sure to give you a shoulder rub.”

Yes, the administration that swore it was done with nation-building and playing world police was told “jump!” and President Trump said “How high?” Before we knew it, US personnel were mumbling “just following orders” as their freedom bombs flattened girls’ schools in southern Iran. Don’t worry though — they were told the war would bring Jesus back. Yes, really.

When Trump assembled a cabinet of the usual suspects who have never taken money from a lobbyist they didn’t like, I genuinely thought he was serious about this “America First” stuff. Personally, I’m stunned that he made such a massive U-turn because he had always seemed just as reliable as Keir Starmer. In fact, I would go further and suggest Trump is America’s Boris Johnson, or even Liz Truss. High praise, I know!

What this war shows is that even the best of us can get lured into mass murder by accidentally falling into a honey trap involving underage girls that we were too fucking stupid and horny to see coming.

Some say Americans got exactly what they voted for, but to be fair to the US electorate, it’s not like Mr “Grab ‘em By The Pussy” had a history of misogynistic comments and admissions of sex crimes. It’s not like there are mountains of evidence that should have set alarm bells ringing: the island logs, the little black book, Ehud Barak popping in for late-night chats… I thought it was a coincidence that whenever Netanyahu visited the White House, US policy magically aligned with Israel’s objectives. It seems Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost was doing the paperwork…

All of this must be terribly confusing to the divorced sigma males who see Trump as the Master of the Universe. Even MAGA die-hards like Marjorie Taylor Greene are crying that America First turned into Israel First faster than you can say “only democracy in the Middle East.”

The president who mocked the endless Middle East quagmires is now projecting “four to five weeks, maybe longer” of this campaign. The economic fallout is gonna make Liz Truss’s mini-budget look like we dropped some loose change.

Oil just rocketed past $83 a barrel and gas prices went up by 93%. Who would’ve thunk that exploding the infrastructure of the world’s fourth-largest oil producer and shutting down the Strait of Hormuz would lead to higher energy prices? Don’t worry though — the Epstein class have been betting against the dollar and they’ll be fine. The disaster capitalists are gonna have a field day at your expense!

What the Epstein War shows is the world is not run by the country with the trillion-dollar aircraft carriers with plumbing issues. It’s run by the country with the best lobbyists and blackmail files. Admit it, you’re just jealous your country didn’t think of doing this first.

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