MPs concerned war criminals' feelings could be hurt by protests
Opposing genocide could soon become illegal
As Israel’s 16th day of genocide comes to an end, and central Gaza is a pile of rubble that has buried over a thousand children, Benjamin Netanyahu has confirmed the bombing is going to increase, just in case microbial life is somehow still surviving.
Once all forms of life have been extinguished from the capital, he hopes to eradicate every man, woman and child who has sought refuge in southern Gaza. British MPs are therefore deeply concerned that protests in the UK might hurt the feelings of the war criminals and their supporters. When the woke mob is coming out against genocide, you know they are going too far.
It’s just as well our political establishment is standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the Israeli government because the people who cut the power on 130 premature babies are definitely on the right side of history.
One worried Tory MP, who wished to remain anonymous so they didn’t get shamed on social media, told me:
“It’s just horrifying. A Palestinian man living in the UK has had thirty members of his family wiped out and I’m worried that if he raises an objection, people in London might feel afraid of him. Why are we letting the Palestinian man live in the UK?”
Another Tory, I mean Labour MP (it’s hard to tell them apart), added:
“Hopefully, we can pass a law so that any Palestinian who loses family in this conflict has to shut the fuck up or be deported to the rubble heap. We really don’t need to hear their whining right now. It’s so insensitive.”
A drunken MP at the taxpayer-subsidised Westminster bar yelled over:
“While we’re at it, can we arrest Krishnan Guru-Murthy, please? That bastard has it coming!”
As you can see, our politicians definitely have their priorities in order, as do some of our finest journalists. Dan Hodges, who works for the super-credible Daily Mail that once supported Hitler, said Palestinians have had two protests in the UK and that’s quite enough. He insisted: “There should be no demos allowed for the foreseeable future”. This is because Palestinians are monsters who don’t believe in democratic values such as freedom of expression, unlike Dan Hodges.
An anti-genocide ban is clearly necessary because the Palestinians who go to bed each night, not knowing if they will wake up in the morning, have no idea how afraid Netanyahu supporters in London are.
Fortunately, the government has condemned the terror supporters calling for a ceasefire, such as the Pope and the head of the United Nations. A spokesperson insisted they will carry on sending weapons to Israel because “we’re making a fucking killing with these arms contracts.”
One politician who is far too proud of her fascism to remain anonymous (Suella Braverman) told me:
“We are going to change the law to ensure Palestinians can’t be considered refugees if they reach our shores. We are also going to update The Equality Act to make opposing genocide a form of racism. This is to teach the woke left a lesson for weaponising our racism.”
Sadly, not all politicians were showing unflinching solidarity with fascism. Olympian flip-flopper Sir Keir Starmer is now saying he doesn’t back the Gaza siege because the latest focus group results panicked him into a screeching u-turn. Sensibly, he is denying it was a u-turn.
Former chair of Labour Friends of Palestine, Lisa Nandy, refused to condemn Israeli war crimes because that would be “grandstanding”, but I can’t for the life of me understand why she didn’t applaud the war crimes. Bloody moderates.
World-renowned Lilliputian, Ben Shapiro, said we should remove all survivors from “Judea, Samaria, Gaza, and Israel proper” because we’re saying the quiet part loud now. Sadly, the Labour Party didn’t get the memo. They both do and don't support human rights, which is like pretending the bodies under the rubble both are and aren’t alive as long as no one looks. Erwin Schrödinger would be proud.
It’s essential to understand Israel is involved in an existential struggle against Hamas, which is why it’s also bombing Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, and the West Bank where there is no Hamas presence. I’m told the IDF were high-fiving as they struck a mosque in Jenin and there was jubilation as three UNESCO world heritage sites were hit by missiles, which may or may not have come from a nearby graveyard, depending on whether Channel 4 does another forensic analysis.
Israeli officials boast they’re aiming for a higher body count than the Dresden bombing that killed 35,000 civilians, but it would be ridiculous to suggest they intentionally bombed a hospital. Their comments attracted some flack, but thankfully, they took the moral high ground by trolling Greta Thunberg and the United Nations on Twitter.
If you’re unfamiliar with the Israeli military, they’re what happens when Twitter trolls get state of the art US weaponry, inexplicable exemptions from the Geneva Conventions, and backing from western leaders who are nothing if not inconsistent.
A fortnight ago, they agreed it was terrible when an imperial power bombed and illegally occupied its smaller neighbour, but now they’ve pivoted to “no, this is a good thing actually”, leaving Ukrainians and Palestinians feeling very confused x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
LauraK launches her own nuke and no one comments? This is weaponised satire of the highest grade. Not venting but cluster bombing the imperial lands of smug warmongers masquerading as ‘people’s representatives’. Take them all down LauraK. All of them.
Thank you, Laura. So many people only see flags, not human beings, in all of this. Very sad, indeed.