Netanyahu relieved as peace talks collapse at "perfect moment", just before his corruption trial was set to resume
Benjamin Netanyahu is said to be delighted that peace talks between Iran and the US have collapsed, just as his corruption trial was set to resume. The Israeli prime minister is hopeful that his trial can once again be postponed on the basis that he is dead, I mean preoccupied by the war.
When news of the collapse broke, members of the Israeli war cabinet threw confetti in their luxury bunker, but sadly, Netanyahu could not participate because his consciousness was taken from his mangled corpse and uploaded to an iPhone.
Conveniently, this meant Netanyahu was able to call JD Vance midway through negotiations, ordering him to be as unreasonable as possible with the Iranians, if he doesn’t want the full details of the Melania scandal being made public. Vance negotiated like a man whose side hadn’t just lost a war, insisting the victors surrender or else…
Talks went something like this: Vance demanded the full dismantlement of Iran’s civilian nuclear program and Iran said “no”. Vance demanded the Strait of Hormuz be fully reopened and Iran said “no”. Iran demanded sanctions relief, war reparations, and a full regional ceasefire, and Netanyahu said “no”. Vance did not get a say in any of this.
The VP emerged from the meeting looking like a man who had barely survived a first encounter with his in-laws. Dealing with Israel can be exhausting, even when you’re on their side…
The Iranians mocked the US delegation for leaving empty-handed while they maintain control of the Strait of Hormuz. A humiliated Trump is now pretending that US frigates are clearing mines out of the Strait to convince MAGA of his great victory. Just don’t tell ‘em the frigate captains refused the mission, saying: “Sorry sir, we’re not suicidal”.
America’s most humble ever president is now touting his historic achievements in Iran, such as blowing up a girls’ school, and failing to blow up all the bridges and power plants. Excitingly, Netanyahu has ordered the US to resume losing the war. Just know that when inflation keeps rising, it’s Iran’s fault for successfully defending itself.
Clearly, the Iranians are being unreasonable here. It’s outrageous that they want to have a nuclear program in the tinder box of the Middle East. Who the hell do they think they are? Israel?
Thankfully, the British foreign secretary knows who is to blame for this mess and has chosen the right side of history. Yvette Cooper says tolls on the Strait of Hormuz are against the “law of the sea” that neither the US nor Iran have signed up to. She sensibly failed to mention that even if Iran had signed up, it would be allowed to charge ships for passing through its territorial waters in the same way the Egyptians charge tolls on the Suez Canal. Cooper didn’t dare mention the naval blockade of Gaza or Cuba because silence is the best way to avoid accusations of hypocrisy.
Rest assured that if the resumption of the war fails to have any meaningful impact, the UK is set to join a 30-nation coalition to reopen the Strait of Hormuz that will last until the first ship is sunk and everyone else gets the hell out of the there. At that point the nukes will probably start flying…
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This will go down in history as the most realistic description of this basket of absurdities we're living through.
If only everyone in the US and the UK would read this.