Nominees too embarrassed to accept peerages from Liz Truss

This makes absolutely no sense to me

At least two people have declined honours from our greatest ever leader, Liz Truss, because they’re “too embarrassed” to receive them. One said it would be “humiliating” to be honoured by our shortest serving prime minister and the other said they “don’t deserve it” which is ridiculous.

Given Boris Johnson honoured the 29-year-old who gave him a blo... I mean was his very useful assistant, and he also tried to honour his father, it’s safe to say the bar is set low on who does and does not deserve to be honoured. Even Gavin Williamson became a knight for fuck’s sake and his greatest achievement was selling a fire place.

The two embarrassed individuals (Tom Harwood and Fred from Right Said Fred) have begged Liz not to make their names public because they fear they’ll never live it down. Clearly, they don’t understand the honour’s system is not for people who pretend to have dignity, it’s for people who’ve bribed politicians, sucked up to them, or have dirt on them and are not above blackmail. Anyone who fits the above criteria is entitled to rule over you.

Please understand, you are not allowed to vote on who will enter the upper-chamber because Liz Truss knows better. I don’t know what you’re complaining about anyway, it’s not like you got to vote for the last four prime ministers. You’re not entitled to choose your legislators, that’s Liz’s job now.

Despite the two rejections, Liz has 14 people on her list which is one for every three days she was prime minister, or one for every £4 billion she knocked off the economy. The government insists her list is very modest, given the scale of her accomplishments, but Angela Rayner described it as a “list of shame”. This was a stupid comment from Angela because clearly, this is a list of no shame.

Four names have been unofficially confirmed and they absolutely deserve to be immortalised as the architects of double-digit inflation. One is Mark Littlewood, the sensible wing-nut from the Institute of Economic Affairs who I’m told masterminded the mini-budget after a night of cocaine and strippers with Kwasi Kwarteng. Yes, we have Mark to thank for the past 11 months of economic prosperity!

Another name is Sir John Moynihan who donated £50,000 to Truss’s leadership campaign because he passionately believed in her leadership qualities after witnessing her practise her rousing speeches like a mannequin with a built-in cassette player (Google it, kids).

The next nominee is former aide Ruth Porter who threatened to tell everyone that Liz’s Twitter alt is a well-known troll called Sophie Corcoran (previously Simon Arnold). The last name I know of is Matthew Elliott, leader of the Brexit campaign which has gone brilliantly with every promise made in 2016 coming to fruition. Obviously, these are four outstanding nominees. I like to think of them as the four horsemen of the Trussocalypse.

Sadly, not every outstanding hopeful made it onto Liz’s list though. Nadine Dorries, whose resignation as an MP is buffering like a YouTube video with a bad internet connection, is said to be crestfallen that she’ll be missing out again. Some nominees might be too dignified to accept a peerage from Liz, but not Nadine.

Nadine emptied the no. 10 drinks cabinet (again), flung herself at the feet of Liz and wailed: “Please, I’ll do anything!” and she still didn’t get on the list. Even Liz has her standard (singular). Declining Nadine is the only standard Liz has ever shown and this is because she wants to prove she is a serious politician.

Liz has not given up hope of making a political comeback because she is bored since trying and failing to declare war on China over pork markets and spending her £115,000 resignation allowance on shoes and she is still bitter that pension funds survived her mini-budget.

Liz is the only person (apart from me) who understands her decisions were right, even though they were wrong, because the policies she didn’t think would crash the economy (but did crash the economy) are the only way to fix the economy. If you don’t understand this, it’s because you are stupid x

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