Palantir publishes manifesto and unveils K-800 “Democracy Enforcer” prototype

In an unusual move for a corporation that we all thought was focused on philanthropy, Palantir Technologies has published its plans for global domination.

In a viral Twitter post, everyone’s favourite AI company unveiled its 22-point manifesto which reads like a digital Mein Kampf for Ketamine users who wear Patagonia vests.

The gist of the manifesto is: now that we’ve harvested enough data to blackmail every leader in the West, it’s time to move onto the next stage of our masterplan: hard power.

Palantir warns against “vacant and hollow pluralism” and calls for a new golden age of imperialism, I mean democracy. It argues that non-white countries are regressive and have not contributed to humanity, so naturally, we need to conquer them with weapons developed by Palantir.

You know those exciting AI systems that Israel uses to kill families in their homes, like The Gospel and Where’s Daddy? Imagine those systems installed into an army of killer robots that are based on the personality of Laura Loomer. I know, it’s my wet dream too!

Excitingly, Palantir has just unveiled its K-800 Democracy Enforcer—an AI-powered robot that, at present, is just a cuddly chrome endoskeleton, but future updates should include flesh harvested from Palestinian children. What did you think those Israeli skin banks were for?

According to the press release, the K-800 is designed to counter the “tyranny of the apps”, which means it will hunt down and eliminate TikTok influencers who step out of line. Its “regressive culture detection” sub-routine scans crowds and searches Palantir’s database for wrong-thinkers who whine about things like NHS data harvesting.

First time offenders will be offered the chance of re-education via an audio version of Alex Karp’s The Technological Republic, but it’s expected that many will simply opt for death.

Importantly, the K-800 is designed to go into the schools and hospitals of any oil-rich country in need of liberation. This should help avoid the bad optics of flattening the buildings with bombs. Instead, we will just “terminate” the inhabitants, unless they are willing to obey.

Anyone with the wrong skin colour or religion will be given a choice: “Come with me if you wanna live… in the rules-based international order”, which means slavery for all but the prettiest who will instead be joining the next Epstein Island (Cuba).

Alex Karp asked the K-800 to demonstrate its abilities on stage by executing the captured Greta Thunberg, but unfortunately, it was hacked by Iranians who made it perform a dance and then switched it off. It was a bit embarrassing if I’m honest, but a flustered Alex insisted this problem should be fixed in the next update, after which it will be impossible to override the machine’s decision-making software.

I’ve never watched a science-fiction movie, but I can’t see any way that letting Alex Karp have an army of killer robots could go wrong. We’re talking about a man so dedicated to his work, he can’t find the time to brush his hair, a man who has called for a return to national service and the re-militarisation of Germany and Japan. Clearly, he knows his history better than I know my science-fiction.

The Palantir CEO explained: “Silicon Valley owes America a moral debt. The K-800 is simply our way of paying it back.” Palantir stocks soared by 14% when news broke that society is heading into the most terrifying version of the future possible, short of nuclear annihilation. This isn’t going to end in nuclear annihilation, right? Right?

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