Patriot who tragically died while hanging flag on lamp post to be given state funeral

Somebody’s drunk uncle has died on his patriotic mission to save his neighbourhood from foreigners by tying flags to lamp posts. He tragically fell off his ladder several weeks ago and never regained consciousness. I can only assume a brown person pushed him. I would therefore like to call for the mass deportation of all Muslamists.

Thanks to the man’s efforts, patriotism rose by 29% in his area as locals were reminded what country they live in. The man never asked who wants to be reminded they live on a grey and rainy island where nothing works and everything is too expensive. He just knew that every decent person wants cheap flags on every fucking lamp post and so he went on a mission.

The man, who was surprisingly married, has been described as a “local hero” by the drunks at the Red Lion. I’m told he got into flags after crayoning a cross on a roundabout and feeling proud of his effort until the rain washed it away. He needed a permanent solution so he set up a GoFundMe that raised a whopping £1,000 to buy flags. Divorced dads were so keen to support the initiative that they took money out of their child support payments to donate. However, they now have to live with the guilt that they basically killed him.

A tearful Sir Keir Starmer took time out of ignoring the cost of living crisis to pay tribute to the man, calling his death “the noblest sacrifice since the crusades”. He announced that the man will get a state funeral like history’s other great patriots such as Sir Winston Churchill. Personally, I’m hoping he is awarded a posthumous knighthood. It’s only what he deserves.

While the man’s courage and sacrifice are being celebrated, there is confusion among patriots about whether to continue his work because we’re scared of ladders now. Police have warned of the dangers of ladders and suggested safer ways of marking your territory such as writing your name on a wall or pissing in a bus shelter. Alternatively, you could yell at a brown person on a train to make yourself feel better x

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