Political violence against rich white Americans is never okay

But it's "complicated" when members of other groups are the victims

Yesterday, a monster armed with a gun shot former US president Donald Trump in the ear, leaving him bleeding and disproving the claim he has green blood. Thankfully, the rich white man is going to live long enough to regain the presidency from the guy who is indistinguishable from him, but the total opposite.

Poor Melania hasn’t stopped crying since hearing the news that her husband is going to be okay. Her dream of starting a new life with the hot pool cleaner and a massive inheritance is going to have to wait.

The attack against Trump was so brutal that politicians who’ve spent nine months carpet-bombing Gaza agree this was the worst act of violence they’ve ever seen. Their advisors had to explain this is what “empathy”, a common human emotion, feels like, and also what “fear”, an emotion they often provoke in others, feels like.

Moments like this are great at unifying people by reminding them that people who look like them matter, regardless of their political differences. Politicians from both sides of the aisle, who love to send massive bombs to Israel, agree what they do to others should never be done to them. This is truly the message of Jesus ❤️

Democrats, who spent four years spreading Russiagate conspiracy theories and calling Trump the next Satan because of what he did to children at the border, agree the divisive rhetoric of the “radical left” has led to this moment. The US officials who were okay with Trump assassinating Iranian officials have insisted assassination attempts are always wrong.

Rich white Americans unanimously agree that violence against rich white Americans is never okay.

Even President Biden, who has resumed sending 500-lb bombs to Israel, and has been calling Trump a threat to US democracy all year, has condemned the violence. Benjamin Netanyahu, who is funding Trump’s re-election campaign in exchange for even bigger US bombs, is hugely concerned his investment could be wasted. As you can see, this is an emotional time for everyone.

Israel just attempted a targeted assassination of a Hamas leader near Khan Younis, and blew up a few hundred civilians in a refugee camp. If one of the victims owned Trump Towers, this would have been a crime against humanity, but thankfully, the victims were living in tents so it’s no biggie. We totally have our priorities in order.

One prominent US commentator broke down when she heard of the injury to Trump’s ear and wailed: “This is not the American way!” and “What are we, Hamas?” because America, the country that has carried out targeted assassinations in Japan, Vietnam, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan, Egypt, Jordan, Libya, Lebanon, Syria, Kenya, Uzbekistan, Somalia, Saudi Arabia, China, and Afghanistan, among others, is totally above this kind of behaviour, as is Israel, the country which has 292 assassination attempts listed on Wikipedia.

If you thought this was all just white people caring about other white people, you would be wrong because Barack Obama, who once ordered the drone-bombing of a teenage boy and his family in Yemen, thinks nicking Trump’s ear is much worse than what he did. If Obama apologised for one civilian that he drone-bombed every day, it would take him only three years to get through them all. Thankfully, drone-bombing counts as non-political violence.

The British politicians who didn’t care when the British army was shooting pictures of Jeremy Corbyn’s face are distraught now that someone with similar politics to them has become the target. Sir Keir Starmer, who spent four years treating Jeremy Corbyn as a racist and a threat to national security, is appalled that a man he is much more closely aligned with was almost killed.

Kate Andrews, the UK’s most beloved private healthcare lobbyist, was so emotional she wrote an article entitled: “Today, we are all MAGA”. Somehow, I can’t imagine a similar headline reading: “We are all Corbynistas” if the worst had happened to the former Labour leader, can you?

It’s not just political types who’ve been distraught by what has happened to Trump, it’s decent ordinary folks too. For example, the Metropolitan Police officer who punched a pro-Palestinian protester in the face explained what separates us from them is that we behave like civilised human beings. I think it’s great that we’re standing in solidarity with American fascists in a way we never do with the regular people America kills.

Political violence and targeted assassinations might be America’s national sports, but only the NATO countries and Israel are allowed to play these games. If anyone else tries to play, we suddenly remember how to feel the human emotions that you feel every time a brown child is reduced to tomato puree. I can’t believe you lot feel this emotion every single day. How do you even cope? x

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