President Trump warns Cuba just two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon

Since losing the war in Iran, President Trump has been desperately searching for a war he can win to boost his approval ratings. His first choice of Greenland hit the unfortunate snag of being owned by a NATO country, so he has been looking for an easier target, preferably an island with lots of attractive females. You will hugely be relieved that he has discovered a place called “Cuba” that poses an existential threat to the United States of Paedophilia and is in desperate need of some freedom bombs.

US intelligence confirms that the country with a smaller military budget than a Florida retirement community has been enriching aluminium to 90%. The nuclear program is located in a facility built from 1970s tractor parts and repurposed cigar-rolling machines. It was made possible, thanks to help from North Korean scientists who arrived via fishing boats that the US Navy somehow missed with their torpedoes.

Cuba must be stopped at all costs because it is a “communist country”, which is what we call any country that doesn’t bow to US hegemony. For years, Cuba had been embarrassing capitalism by having a higher life expectancy and literacy rate than the US, providing its people with free healthcare, and exporting doctors instead of bombs.

Trump proved that “communism doesn’t work” when he tightened the illegal 60-year blockade of Cuba, cutting off the island’s power supply for 20 hours a day and causing people on life support machines to die. That really showed ‘em, fucking commies.

Trump won’t say if he plans to kidnap the Cuban leader, or if he plans on a ground invasion, but I’m told he prefers the safe option: precision strikes on every home on the island. All I know is that one way or another, he is going to solve the Cuban missile crisis that his predecessors did nothing about.

Excitingly, BlackRock has already signed the contract for the rebuilding effort and its stocks are soaring. Multiple contacts from Epstein’s little black book are interested in building luxury holiday resorts along the Cuban coastline. Ordinary Cubans will be kept in concentration camps in the centre of the island, at a safe distance from the wealthy tourists. It will truly be the greatest liberation of all time.

While some American are expressing concerns about another US war, and desperately looking for their political leaders to speak out, Kamala Harris was sadly too busy filing her nails to comment.

Over in the UK, Prime Minister Starmer confirmed that he will support Trump’s illegal invasion, but only if it complies with international law. The UK will not directly participate, although it may assist the US with “defensive operations” to counter the threat of the Cuban air force. A disappointed Trump said he will blame Starmer if this regime change operation fails. Starmer has already prepared his apology.

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