Prince Andrew has done something even worse than being a nonce

His Christmas has been cancelled as punishment

Prince Andrew is not allowed to attend Christmas dinner with the royal family because he has been hanging out with an alleged Chinese spy called Yang Tengbo.

I understand the pair had grown so close that Mr Yang was the only person to attend Prince Andrew’s birthday. Others were invited but politely declined, even though they had no plans. It’s unclear if a rape island was involved in this party, but lawyers for Jeffrey Epstein explained their client did not attend because he’s dead.

Interestingly, there is no evidence that Andrew’s only friend is a spy, but he is Chinese and we hate those now. In case you didn’t know, British figures are not allowed to associate with Chinese citizens in any context.

Sensibly, the establishment is using the least likeable member of the establishment to tarnish all Chinese people. The insinuation is that Chinese people must be bad because who would hang around with Andrew consensually?

China is understood to be livid at the suggestion that it’s normal for its people to hang around with Andrew and is considering suing for libel. A spokesperson for the CCP explained Mr Yang has been sent to a re-education camp and warned to never hang around with embarrassing British people again.

The manufactured scandal stems from a court case involving Mr Yang, in which he was not even alleged to have been a spy. Naturally, our calm and rational politicians are screaming that we’ve been infiltrated. Their concern is that Mr Yang could use his connections with the prince for leverage, but it’s unclear what Andrew could have done that’s more embarrassing than what we already know.

It’s unclear what use Andrew could even be to China, given that his family won’t trust him with babysitting duty, let alone state secrets. Nevertheless, Mr Yang has been permanently banned from the UK for being Chinese and befriending a nonce.

Worryingly, Mr Yang met with other embarrassing figures such as Lord Cameron (the one who had sex with a pig) and Theresa May (the one with the Bambi power stance). Frustratingly, there was no law that could ban Mr Yang from the UK so they used something called the Royal Prerogative, which is the same thing they used to pay off Virginia Giuffre.

I’m unclear if Mr Yang has been given a ski chalet in Switzerland, but I’m told Prince Andrew is definitely not allowed to have friends.

A palace spokesperson explained the royal family were “blindsided” by the revelations because they “didn’t think anyone would befriend Andrew in a million years”.

MPs are warning this is the tip of the iceberg and there are likely to be many more Chinese people befriending nonces in the UK. This poses the serious concern that our nonces could have their reputations harmed. As a result, several hundred prominent figures have gone strangely quiet until this all blows over x

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