Ricky Gervais was right about the Satanic paedophile ring

All truth tellers must be punished...

Now I’m not bragging or anything, but I wasn't one of the people named in the Epstein court documents. It's amazing how easy it is to not be a paedophile!

Sadly, some of my favourite people in politics were named in the documents. (Thankfully, others were left out, but this is totally not a coverup.) It seems us sensibles have supported the biggest known names associated with Epstein and probably most of the unknown names.

Don’t worry though, this won’t prompt us to re-evaluate our politics. We’ll just call you conspiracy theorists if you mention the people we backed are monsters. This is because we’re part of a cult called “the duopoly” and anyone who isn’t part of the cult is a “dangerous crank”.

It’s worth noting the people at the top of the cult aren’t just cult leaders, they’re members of a Satanic paedophile ring, and every tinfoil hat-wearer who tried to warn you since the beginning of forever was right. Who knew?

Most of us sensibles didn’t even know about the existence of this Satanic paedophile ring. We just voted for these bastards because they were willing to sacrifice poor people to save us 2% income tax and we were totally happy to go along with starvation policies.

How were we supposed to know they would go from acceptable evil to unacceptable evil? This whole thing has been a learning experience and we will be sure to learn absolutely nothing.

The release of the Epstein documents has certainly made for interesting reading. There were names in there that absolutely no one saw coming… like Prince Andrew for example. Personally, I was stunned to see Andrew’s name. I always thought he was the good one.

As punishment for getting caught, I understand Charles is considering downgrading Andrew’s official royal title from Prince to Nonce. You will still have to call him “royal highness” and bow though, because he’s still better than you.

Among the other fine individuals named in the documents are Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Alan Dershowitz and, uh, Stephen Hawking? Stephen fucking Hawking? Shit, I’m not even trying to make a joke about that one.

Anyways, the court documents show how Nonce Andrew liked to get drunk and borrow Stephen’s wheelchair to race around the rape mansion, terrorising underage girls with the robot voice, but he definitely never did anything illegal.

Obviously, it’s implausible Nonce Andrew could have met the woman (child) who lived on the paedophile island he visited and who he gave £13 million to. Let’s just ignore that other women are accusing Andrew of rape and sexual assault, because if any of these accusations are proven, the king might be forced to move Andrew into a smaller palace, and that doesn’t bear thinking about, does it? Obviously, the royals are the real victims here.

Let’s not make this all about Nonce Andrew though. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump were both named many times in the documents. In Clinton’s defence, he only flew on the rape jet for philanthropy and the fact the documents suggested “he likes them young” is irrelevant.

Trump, on the other hand, must be innocent because he only travelled on Lolita Express seven times and was only accused of wanting to take the virginity of a 13-year-old girl.

To be honest, these accusations are disgusting, but there is an easy solution for those of you who are adept at cognitive dissonance (a surprisingly common talent).

If you are a Republican, just say this a Democrat plot to make Trump look bad, and if you are a Democrat, just say this is a Republican plot to make Clinton look bad. Whatever your politics, make sure you agree the person on the other team is guilty as hell, just not the person on your team. This is grownup politics.

Grownup politics is certainly the approach Labour is going for because Sir Keir Starmer’s adviser, Dark Lord Mandelson (Peter to his friends) apparently liked hanging around in the paedo’s hideouts for reasons unknown. Don’t worry, his boss never prosecuted Sir Jimmy Saville so I’m sure he can look the other way here.

Starmer was asked in an interview about Mandelson hanging around in Epstein’s New York townhouse while Epstein was in prison and he just floundered and said: “I don’t know any more than you do”.

ICYMI: In 2006, Epstein was accused of raping a 14-year-old girl and police found photos of the girl all over his house, but he struck a deal with prosecutors and avoided federal charges which would have meant life in prison. Instead, he got just 18 months. Heart warming, isn’t it?

If you’re rich in America you can usually get away with any crime, even child rape. Presumably, you have to be prolific for them to think a red line has been crossed.

It’s easy to forget Epstein had already been jailed, but the rich and powerful stayed friends with the suspected Mossad agent because he had secret tape recordings of them. Surprisingly, the FBI still hasn’t released the tape recordings they confiscated, presumably because they’re too X-rated and it’s their job to keep them secret. Shit, that would make the FBI complicit, wouldn’t it?

I’m at a loss to explain why the FBI didn’t lose the documents like the Tories did when they were accused of having their own paedophile ring (separate to this one). Has anyone stopped to ask why the public keep electing so many paedophiles? What does that say about the electorate? Actually, don’t answer that.

Just spare a thought for the rich and powerful who are feeling nervous that any of them could be made an example of to keep the others in line. Fortunately, esteemed Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein lawyer, Alan Dershowitz, is on the case and he only ever defends the good guys.

The lawyer - who is representing Israel at the ICJ as it faces accusations of genocide - is demanding a list of the “radical feminists” who wanted the documents published. Yes, it’s radical feminism to oppose paedophile rings and it’s not at all sinister to demand a list of truth-tellers. Am I the only one who suspects there could be one or two tragic accidents in the coming months?

Who would’ve thought that time Ricky Gervais did a speech at the Golden Globes accusing Hollywood of being a Satanic paedophile ring, he was right? Personally, I’m amazed he’s still walking free. Why haven’t we framed him for something? It’s what we usually do!

Rest assured all the wrong people are going to be punished and none of the men Ghislaine trafficked girls to will face jail, unless they upset the wrong people.

Instead of jailing all involved and draining politics (and Hollywood) of the worst human beings imaginable, we are going to target whistleblowers, truth tellers and victims, and you lot are going to continue to vote for the people responsible for the cover up because we tell you to. It’s just what you do x

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