Scientists discover that disability does not start until the age of 22
This has huge implications for the benefits bill!
I have fantastic news! Scientists have discovered that ill health and disability do not start until the age of 22. This means the government has no need to give incapacity benefits to anyone below this age.
As a result of this remarkable discovery, the DWP will stop incapacity benefits for the 66,000 young people currently receiving them.
Upon hearing this news, several thousand paraplegics spontaneously climbed out of their wheelchairs and thanked Liz Kendall for helping them overcome their laziness. A coma patient in Burnley even got out of bed and started break dancing. It was an emotional moment.
Liz Kendall took time out from torturing puppies to explain her decision was about “fairness”, adding that older people will receive incapacity benefit because they are more likely to vote. Anyone who doesn’t vote can simply pull themselves up by their crutches or something.
This is hugely exciting news for my family in particular. In February, doctors said our baby has a lifelong neurological condition, but I’ve told him not to worry because none of his symptoms will start until he turns 22 and the world will have ended by then anyway. In the meantime, he can fucking well get a job!
Aside from the fact young people cannot become sick or disabled, there is the fact they do not need food or clothing or toiletries or anything really. Therefore, the skinny, naked, stinky weirdos will be expected to live off £70 a week Universal Credit, even though DWP minister Torsten Bell admitted he could not live off £70 a week.
Fortunately, Bell is getting an inflation-busting pay rise because £115,450 isn’t enough for someone who matters, even though he gets additional income from his books and investments. Personally, I can’t see why those youngsters who are faking disabilities can’t become government ministers. They’d only work about four hours a week!
If they don’t like the sound of going out to work, they can always work from home, but that doesn’t mean we’re gonna stop demonising people who work from home. Oh no, we hate those lazy fuckers because they’re hurting our buddies, the corporate landlords!
If disability fakers can’t work from home, the government won’t make it any easier for them to get around by improving access for the disabled, or I don’t know, giving them a small monthly payment to help them be more independent. This is because they are young and therefore their disabilities haven’t started yet.
One option for so-called disabled people is to enlist in the military where they will be used as meat shields for our soldiers. If disabled people can have their own version of the Olympics, surely they can join the army. They might as well be of some use to society, right?
What matters is we have found a way to stop 66,000 people draining our finances by taking away their excuses. Hopefully, next the government can delay the state pension until after death because oldies should not be let off the hook either x
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Amazing to read that your government is as cruel and insane as mine. The UK and the US, 2 countries that have had every opportunity to become paradises by now rather than fascist shitholes.
Jesus... we knew all along that neoliberalism was a bane on society... but not to this extent!
Can creatures with absolutely no empathy, still be labeled human?
All this while the warmongering poodle wants to increase military spending by £13 billion