Sen. Lindsay Graham comes back to life after hell rejects him
Just yesterday, the world was in mourning when Israel’s favourite Senator tragically passed away after returning from a cocaine party in Kyiv. Sen. Lindsay Graham became the first person in human history to die from an aortic dissection, despite being born without a heart. The circumstances are in no way suspicious.
Sen. Graham had never seen a country he didn’t want to bomb, or a boy he didn’t want to take to a private island. He was such a compassionate humanitarian that he repeatedly called for Gaza to be levelled like Berlin and Tokyo. AIPAC loved him so much that they generously gave him $4.6 million and expected absolutely nothing in return.
He was a fierce Trump critic who described his old rival as the “most flawed nominee in the history of the Republican Party”. However, he performed a principled U-turn to save his own political career.
A while back, he got the green light from his Mossad handler to become a staunch Trump supporter. Since then, his only criticism of the president is that he hasn’t gone far enough with all the evil shit. No wonder the world came together after his passing, united in grief.
Prime Minister Netanyahu went on Fox News to pay a heart-warming tribute to his close friend. He tearfully reminded us that Sen. Graham wanted the US to keep funding Israel’s military indefinitely.
As you might expect, Kim Iversen was every bit as upset as Netanyahu. She touchingly posted on Twitter: “Lindsay Graham literally celebrated death of others. Show him the same courtesy.”
Given the overwhelming grief, you can imagine how thrilled everyone was when Sen. Graham rose from the dead. I understand he tried getting into heaven, but some archangel was just like, “lol, fuck no,” and slammed the gates on him. He was then escorted to hell where some demon took one look at his rap sheet, puffed his cheeks and said: “I think this crap is a bit much, even for Satan. Sorry, we don’t want him either.”
As a result, the reanimated corpse of Sen. Graham is back roaming the halls of the Senate. No one is happier than his Mossad handler who is no longer out of a job. It’s lucky he didn’t delete the kompromat that explains why Graham has never married. He’s never once touched a woman, but what matters is that he has tongue-kissed that fucking wall, over and over again.
When people asked why Sen. Graham didn’t admit he’s gay to put a stop to the whole blackmail thing, he simply refused to answer. The truth is that he’s never been interested in men. They’re far too old for him. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was low.
The reality is actually much more interesting. Sen. Graham is parthenogenic, meaning he reproduces with himself. He also leaves a trail of slime wherever he goes.
When scientists created the first human-slug hybrid back in the 1950s, they never dreamt it would work out this well. That disgusting creature they accidentally made in a petri dish somehow rose to the upper-echelons of US politics. All it had to do was say the most hateful things imaginable to the fine people of South Carolina.
A fun fact about Sen. Graham is that every time a Palestinian child was murdered, he got so aroused, he made more of himself. If you’ve ever come down stairs in the middle of the night and stood barefoot on a baby slug, that was probably a Lindsay Graham. You fucking murderer.
Sen. Graham is so committed to his constituents that he’s spent his career telling them that everything he does is for “Usrul”. He means “Israel”, but he’s so lazy, he can’t be bothered to learn the name of the colony that’s blackmailing him.
Sen. Graham has never been shy about telling us that Usrul is his number one priority. When questioned why he hadn’t bothered doing anything for flood victims in South Carolina, he famously said “What about Usrul?” and then launched into an inspiring rant about how tough life is being a settler in the Middle East. What I love about Sen. Graham is how he doesn’t even bother denying he’s compromised. He wears that AIPAC badge proudly.
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“…but what matters is that he has tongue-kissed that fucking wall, over and over again.”
😂
Brutal, and yet probably the most positive spin on his 'life' - such as it was - that we will see.