SHOCKING SCANDAL: Zack Polanski changed his name in 2002 to avoid a £3.50 library fine

Millions of impressionable voters will soon be heading to the polls, dreaming of saving the planet, hugging trees, and finally getting proportional representation. Their inspiration is the charismatic supervillain who currently goes by the name of Zack Polanski. Who knows what he will be called tomorrow?

Younger generations have clearly been hypnotised by the Green Party’s new leader, but do they really know the man behind the pocket watch? This stunning investigation from Normal Island News reveals the hideous truth. A truth so grim that Britain’s newspapers have borrowed from antisemitic cartoons from the 1930s to depict Polanski’s true face.

As Antisemitism Tsar John Mann explained on three separate podcasts: “It’s the Green Party’s fault that everyone is being antisemitic towards Zack.” Presumably, it’s also his family’s fault for anglicising their surname decades ago… to avoid antisemitism.

Antisemitism against Jews who disagree with the Israeli government is the only acceptable form left so naturally, we’re making the most of it. We were waiting for an excuse to attack Polanski for being gay, but it turns out he’s vegan and his boyfriend is a criminal who was arrested at an Extinction Rebellion protest. That’s the type of scumbag we’re dealing with here, someone who wants to save the world…

This nightmare began on 2 November 1982 when a baby called David Paulden emerged in the godforsaken lands of Salford, screaming “Globalise the intifada!” Disgracefully, he was not born wearing a grey suit. Even worse, to this day he does not speak like a robotic accountant who enjoys beige.

Real politicians are wheeled into cupboards at night so their batteries can recharge, but this guy has repeatedly failed to explain how his batteries are charged — I bet he is not using wind or solar. Fucking hypocrite.

As a child, David attended the elitist Stockport Grammar School, proving that he didn’t believe in equality even then. Upon leaving school, he arrogantly decided he was too good for a proper job, instead wasting his life in the gig economy doing youth work, mental health counselling, and hospitality.

At the age of 18, David Paulden changed his name to Zack Polanski to avoid a £3.50 library fine, a fee that he still hasn’t paid to this day. Thanks to interest, late fees, and inflation, that £3.50 has risen to £1,768,089, an amount that Polanski is clearly keeping for himself. The man is hoarding wealth that belongs to Stockport Library Services. Who is the one-percenter now?

Polanski’s ego was so inflated, he tried his hand at acting and appeared in several low budget abominations, such as The Art of Suicide, Seven Crosses, and The Gallon Challenge, none of which matched the quality of cinematic masterpieces such as The Iron Lady, or even Melania.

Polanski might no longer be appearing in movies, but he is still acting: his latest role being someone who cares about the environment, international law, and the struggles of ordinary people. No credible politician would stoop so low.

Alarmingly, Polanski invented the climate crisis in the 2000s when the world was still reeling from the Millennium Bug. He kept this lie going for over two decades to distract from the fact that he increased the size of a woman’s boobs through hypnotherapy. When news crossed the Atlantic, he was briefly hired by Kristi Noem’s husband, proving he will do anything for money, unlike the politicians who take donations from the Israeli lobby.

Polanski is such a fraud that he once claimed to be a spokesperson for the British Red Cross, but he actually just organised events for them and spoke on stage at their fundraisers. Fucking scumbag. Who raises funds for the Red Cross? As Netanyahu keeps telling us, it is basically a front for Hamas, meaning Polanski has undeniable ties to terrorism.

Polanski once said something nice about Greta Thunberg and even praised notorious terror leaders such as Jeremy Corbyn. Previously, he was a good boy who amplified the line that Corbyn was a threat to Britain’s Jews, but then he was radicalised by the truth. At that point, Polanski became a threat to Britain’s Jews, even though he is one of Britain’s Jews. I still don’t understand why this smear isn’t landing.

Eleven years ago came the most shameful episode of Polanski’s career when he officially stood for nothing. Well, he stood for the Liberal Democrats, but that’s more or less the same thing. Polanski might have switched allegiances to the Greens, but he is still a moral vacuum, unlike the politicians who drone “Israel has the right to defend itself” in unison.

While he lectures us on our carbon footprint, it turns out Polanski can’t even do his recycling properly. Being a serious journalist, I rummaged through his blue bin and planted… I mean found non-recyclables such as crisp packets. I also found an unwashed tin of beans and an egg carton that wasn’t free range. Clearly, Polanski is worse than the companies poisoning our water supplies with data centres that do AI porn and mass surveillance.

Despite his shady past, Polanski stood as Green leader in 2025 and won a totally believable 85% of the vote, making him the UK’s Kim Jong Un. Just know that if he becomes prime minister, it will be because he rigged that vote too. There is no way the public would knowingly vote for someone who is not an establishment puppet…

While uniparty politicians tell the truth about everything, Polanski is always inventing ridiculous conspiracy theories. For example, he claimed the media had erased the Muslim victim of the Golders Green stabbings from headlines. This might be factually correct, but Polanski also claimed that Keir Starmer sent weapons to Israel while it was committing genocide. This might also be factually correct, but he also claimed that the Metropolitan Police have replaced London’s pigeons with feathered surveillance drones. This might also be correct, but are you not tired of his conspiracy theories?

Polanski poses such a national security threat that the prime minister sensibly mimics Farage and attacks the only political leader on the left. The fact all party leaders agree Polanski is the real problem proves that 47 years of Thatcherism are his fault. Why did Zack cause the housing crisis? What was he thinking?

Britain deserves better than a man who believes workers deserve a living wage, breathable air is a good idea, and genocide is wrong. We deserve better than a gay, vegan, name-changing Jew who wants to lead us into a bright green future. We say: ENOUGH! We demand Polanski’s immediate resignation. We demand he finally pays that library fine. And most of all, we demand that someone wheels him into a cupboard at night like a normal politician. The people deserve nothing less.

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