Sir Enoch Starmer promises to drown the babies of immigrants to win over Reform voters

Reform voters say it's a start, but it's not enough

After consulting with a focus group of reactionary idiots, Sir Keir Starmer has decided to be more racist than ever to win you over! Isn’t this exciting?

As you probably know, the prime minister’s approval rating is even lower than that of the Tory leader whose name you probably can’t remember: Kemi what’s-er-face? Um, Badenoch, I think. Honestly, it’s hard to keep up, given the Tories change leaders more often than Boris Johnson changes wives.

Obviously, Sir Keir Starmer cares deeply about winning the next election, which is why he is doing none of the things that would make your life better. What the prime minister needs is a plan that does not make your life better but makes you feel like it does.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and Starmer has discovered what you want is not a properly funded NHS or nationalised water and energy or access to a dentist. It’s definitely not higher wages or affordable housing. No, what you want is to blame foreigners for stealing your jobs, and claiming your benefits, and being being more attractive to all the women who keep rejecting you.

Thankfully, we have a prime minister who is so in touch with the public that he stands before a semen-stained Union Jack and tries to turn every speech into a patriotic wank-fest, but succeeds only in being an effective cure for insomnia.

You can’t have missed Starmer’s blistering “rivers of blood” speech which caused his entire voter base to abandon him and resulted in zero Reform voters saying they would switch to Labour. Thankfully, the feedback from Reform voters wasn’t all bad, with many glad to once again have a second party, now the Tories have gone woke and made a bl… I mean lefty their leader.

Kemi Badenoch is sadly unable to win over Reform voters, no matter how embarrassingly she sucks up to them because she does not have the appropriate pigment to be on their team. Reform is a melanin-free space.

Kemi Badenoch might be cooked, but thankfully, there is a glimmer of hope for Sir Keir Starmer. While lefties insisted nothing he ever did could be racist enough for Reform voters, his focus group told him that’s not true actually. He just has to double down on all the things that made him unpopular and he’ll be fine.

Starmer has therefore vowed to drown the babies of every immigrant who does not donate to his party, while singing the national anthem. Starmer’s singing is the only way to stop the immigrants coming here. It is hoped it will result in 20,000 fewer NHS doctors, 100,000 fewer nurses, and 150,000 fewer care workers.

Starmer's singing is the least humane way to teach foreigners a lesson for coming here and straining our public services, but it’s not his only plan. No, he will also make it legal to scream: “Fuck off back to where you came from!” at anyone who is speaking a language you don’t understand, such as Arabic or Welsh. It does not matter whether the person was born in London or Timbuktu or that made up place called “Cardiff”, the point is non-English speakers are not welcome. The people who got an “E” in GCSE English and dream of moving to Benidorm so they can shout at the locals, loud and slow, all agree.

Baby drowning is a smart strategic move because it means no non-white will vote Labour and no non-psychopath will either. Not even Reform voters will vote Labour because Nigel Farage will let them kick everyone with dark skin in the bollocks, including your brother who is weirdly fond of sunbeds.

A panicking Starmer called an emergency meeting with his boss, Morgan McSweeney, who suggested a name change to Enoch and a Union Jack tattoo on his right man boob. A shirtless Sir Enoch Starmer has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow morning to announce his latest policy update x

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