Sir Keir Starmer calls for safe and peaceful war in Venezuela

Former human rights lawyer Sir Keir Starmer has defended President Trump’s invasion of Venezuela and kidnapping of the Maduros. The prime minister explained that murdering 80 civilians to kidnap a foreign leader and his wife is fine, as long as it is done in accordance with international law. He has therefore not ruled out kidnapping Zack Polanski and his boyfriend.

The prime minister removed his tongue from Trump’s shoe just long enough to make a brief statement and then got back onto his knees. He explained that Maduro—who is more popular in Venezuela than Starmer is in the UK—is an illegitimate leader because he refuses to privatise Venezuela’s oil. He condemned Maduro’s brutal and repressive regime that, among other outrages, allowed opposition leaders to walk free, even when they tried to assassinate him. Maduro should have rounded up his critics and treated them as terrorists like Starmer does. Fucking idiot.

Starmer—who has not implemented a single one of his manifesto promises—condemned the lack of democracy in Venezuela. He called for a safe and peaceful war to install a leader of President Trump’s choice.

While some have suggested that invading other countries is the “ultimate crime”, Starmer clarified that it is only wrong when Russia does it. Therefore, we will not be kicking the US out of any sporting competitions. World Cup 2026 will go ahead like Hitler’s Olympics, but the US is not allowed into the Eurovision Song Contest. Americans are understandably distraught, but at least Israel has a better chance of rigging it this year.

Starmer has confirmed he won’t impose an arms embargo on the US and is ready to go along with whatever excuse Trump comes up with to annex Greenland. I hear Hezbollah is running a narco-trafficking ring there. Just remember, you heard it here first.

Excitingly, Starmer confirmed he is ready and willing to order conscription if Trump accidentally (or deliberately) starts World War III. Obviously, the idea of not joining World War III would be unthinkable so get your kids ready for the meat grinder!

As a former human rights lawyer, Starmer fully understands that it is fine to invade a country and kidnap its leader if you don’t like him. He will therefore be thrilled that I have spoken to Xi Xinping and said I am ready and willing to step in as puppet leader. I offered to sell the UK’s assets at a low cost as long as China kidnaps Starmer and his wife.

Obviously, this would be the democratic thing to do, but unfortunately, Xinping rejected my offer because, and I quote, “Sorry, Laura, but the UK is a fucking shithole and has nothing worth stealing. Starmer is welcome to it”.

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