Starmer sends Israel strongly worded apology after discovering missile attack on Diego Garcia came from an Israeli submarine

Foreign policy experts are carefully reviewing The Rules-Based International Order, following reports that Sir Keir Starmer has called Israeli officials to deliver “the most strongly-worded apology in modern diplomatic history.”

This apology follows the revelation that missiles launched at the joint UK-US base on Diego Garcia were not fired from Iran after all. The explanation for those missiles exceeding the maximum range of Iran’s capabilities is that they actually came from an Israeli Dolphin-class submarine in the Indian Ocean. It turns out this is the second false flag Israel has launched against the UK, following the drone attack on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus. Obviously, our greatest ally has every right to bomb our military bases without us noticing.

“Look, these things happen,” a clearly rattled Downing Street spokesperson explained. “The Prime Minister had absolutely no intention of poking around in the missile telemetry data. He was innocently playing Sudoku when MI6 forwarded him the wrong file labelled ‘Israeli False Flag’ and he couldn’t resist peeking. I can assure you the responsible MI6 officer has been fired for informing his leader of the facts.”

A statement from No. 10 explained: “We are deeply sorry for noticing that the attack on our jointly-leased strategic asset was not, as previously assumed, the work of the Islamic Republic, but rather a surprise from one of our closest allies. We condemn Iran in the strongest possible terms for this outrageous Israeli aggression against British interests in the Chagos Archipelago. Tehran must immediately cease allowing Tel Aviv to use its airspace, I mean waterspace.”

The statement continued: “If Israel wishes to stage another false-flag operation to justify pre-emptive self-defence, the Prime Minister will not be so nosy next time. He has instructed all intelligence agencies to immediately stop telling him the truth about Israel.”

Prime Minister Netanyahu declined to comment on the matter on the basis that he is unfortunately dead, but his AI avatar said he was “touched by the Prime Minister’s understanding” and looking forward to the next joint military venture with the UK, explaining: “Some of your soldiers may die, but that is a price Israel is willing to pay”.

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