Supreme Court of the UK mandates genital inspectors in great day for women's rights

There is nothing more important the Supreme Court could be focusing on

Many have asked why the Supreme Court is not holding our government to account for complicity in genocide, given that it’s sending arms to Israel, conducting surveillance flights for Israel, and having secret meetings with Israeli officials and hoping you don’t find out.

A spokesperson for the Supreme Court has finally responded to the complaints, explaining: “Sorry, we don’t do that sort of thing”.

If you didn’t know, the Supreme Court does not exist to pursue justice or protect the weak from the powerful, it exists to preserve the status quo. With this in mind, the Supreme Court has taken the exciting decision to join the culture war. Isn’t this brilliant?

A spokesperson for the Supreme Court explained that “by fuelling a pointless argument over something which barely affects anyone, we have provided the perfect distraction for the ruling class. The plebs are now far too busy debating the latest wedge issue to even think of sharpening their guillotines.”

The wedge issue in question is… drum roll… the trans debate.

Instead of hauling David Lammy into court to explain why he’s supplying F-35 parts to Israel after suspending arms licences, the court has undertaken the much more important task of asking: “What is a woman?” What do you mean, you would rather it asked: “What is a war criminal?” That question is a hate crime against Tony Blair!

What’s that you say? Israel has just burned children alive after targeting a journalist and her family to punish her for taking photographs of Gaza? Why else do you think the Supreme Court looked into the matter of examining genitals in bathrooms? How else would we tell a butch lesbian apart from one of those awful transes? It’s not like bathrooms have private cubicles so this is an urgent matter, unlike genocide…

You will be delighted to know the Supreme Court has sided with JK Rowling rather than Hind Rajab. All of the people who think women shouldn’t be allowed to have abortions or drive without their husband’s permission are understandably delighted.

The Supreme Court’s ruling is the best day for women’s rights since Katy Perry and the woman who shags Jeff Bezos flew really high for 11 minutes. Be honest, this inspired you to strive to be the woman who shags Jeff Bezos, didn’t it? … Didn’t it?

Anyway, the Supreme Court has ruled that, where proportionate, only biological women are allowed into women’s spaces. This means we need to figure out who is and is not a women because some people really blur that line. For example, if JD Vance wore a wig and shaved his rubber cheeks, would anyone notice he is a biologically-enhanced MAGA sigma male? Of course not!

Identifying whether someone was born male or female can be tricky so every public toilet must be guarded by two burly doormen. These much-needed toilet guards will politely pull down your knickers before you pee to ensure you feel safe. Isn’t this better?

What do you mean, you thought only transes would face this sort of harassment? How did you think we would decide who pees without due process? If we didn’t check, we’d have to stop you from peeing every time you forgot to wear makeup, just to be safe.

Unless you’re transgender, this issue has previously had zero impact on your life so you should be celebrating the court’s ruling like you’ve won the lottery. You should be spitting on anyone who doesn’t join in the celebration! The woke mob can be so divisive…

Here is the problem with you do-gooders: you never focus on the real world. You’re like teenagers who obsess with trivial nonsense that has no impact on anyone. What is wrong with you “free Palestine” weirdos?

If you’ve never met a trans person and never talk about trans people in real life, you should spend 90% of your time on social media rage-tweeting at strangers about this issue.

Personally, I don’t care which side of the culture war you fall on, as long as you don’t develop “working class solidarity”. So please, scream at each other about pronouns, argue over celebrities pretending to be astronauts, report your tanned neighbour to immigration officers, make video essays about children’s movies indoctrinating our kids, yell “all lives matter” at the dying victims of police brutality, just do anything other than hold the ruling class accountable. This is definitely the best way to raise your living standards x

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