Terror in New York as Muslim who cares about the poor wins mayoral primary

Did I mention he's brown?

In a terrifying turn of events, a brown Muslim jihadist has defeated everyone's favourite corporate sex pest Andrew Cuomo in the Democratic primary to be New York mayor. The intifada has truly reached American shores...

Zohran Mamdani holds disturbing views such as genocide is wrong and poor people should be able to afford food. Chillingly, he plans to create city-owned grocery stores that would drive food prices down. Personally, I think the poor should rummage through restaurant bins for leftovers like they do in civilised countries.

All the best labour exploiters, such as Elon Musk, are concerned that Mamdani's plans would mean people don't have to work 80-hour weeks to survive. Clearly, affordable food is discriminatory towards bosses.

Somehow Mamdani gets worse because he is even talking about things like... free child care. At present, New York mothers are expected to leave their babies alone while they work for minimum wage and hope they are still alive when they come home. This idea is clever because it ensures only the strongest babies survive. However, Mamdani thinks these mothers and babies deserve support.

Obviously, this is ridiculous. If mothers can't afford to pay for child care that costs more than what they earn, their babies should pull themselves up by their bootstraps or something.

You probably think this is the end of the craziness, but no, Mamdani wants to build new apartments to bring rents down and he wants to introduce a higher minimum wage. He thinks New Yorkers should be able to afford to live in New York and he wants to make this possible by... taxing the rich. I just fainted...

Somehow that's still not the worst of Mamdani, not by a long shot, for behind that adorable smile is the sinister mind of a jihadist, a jihadist who opposes genocide...

Mamdani refuses to condemn phrases like "globalise the intifada", something we ask him to do at every opportunity because we are massive racists, sorry, I mean he is. We have no idea what globalise the intifada means, but it sounds super brown and scary.

We also like to hyper-aggressively ask Mamdani if Israel has a right to exist, but strangely we never asked Cuomo if Palestine has a right to exist because we think it doesn't.

Mamdani opposes genocide so strongly that he would have Netanyahu arrested if he entered New York, meaning Zionist war criminals would no longer be above international law. Contrast Mamdani with good egg Cuomo who was making his long-awaited comeback after his sexual harassment scandal and was heavily-backed by Zionist donors such as Bill Ackman and all the finest US corporations.

Cuomo has a track record of being on the right side of history that includes forcing state agencies to divest from organisations supportive of the BDS movement. Yes, he divested from BDS because he thinks it's antisemitic to boycott Israel! He also founded an advocacy group called Never Again NOW! to hound critics of Israel at university campuses.

Disturbingly, Cuomo's efforts were not enough to convince New Yorkers that Never Again doesn't apply to Palestinians. They somehow got it into their heads that Never Again is for everyone so they went with the anti-genocide guy. This means we are entering a worrying time when the billionaire class can't install the most poisonous candidate imaginable and people power can win through. I think I'm gonna be sick x

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