The government is going after the real scroungers: people with mental health conditions
It's the only way to reduce the disability and incapacity benefits bill
When the Tories were in power, one thing should have been obvious to everyone, the people holding this country back were… the workshy bastards on mental health wards.
Thankfully, Work and Pensions Secretary Liz Kendall has a solution: she will send job coaches into mental health wards to bully patients back into work. It's hoped this policy will cut the disability benefits bill by reducing the number of mentally ill people.
Anyone with manic depression, schizophrenia, or suicidal thoughts who refuses to cooperate with their job coach will be denied benefits and turned into kebab meat. It's only what they deserve.
The government says it no longer considers mental health issues to be an excuse to not work. We might have spent years telling people who are suffering to speak out, but we've changed our minds now. I'm confident this won't have any unintended consequences.
Kendall says she decided to go ahead with her ingenious policy after a trial proved to be a roaring success.
Out of seventeen people on the trial, thirteen mysteriously disappeared. One found work in a call centre where she sits and cries all day and her employer is scared to fire her. The other three are actively job seeking, but no one wants to employ someone who is hospitalised with mental health issues.
Mental health services are so underfunded that only the most severe cases are admitted to hospital in the first place, and they typically wait at least 18 months for treatment. The rest of the time, they’re taking up a hospital bed while they wait for treatment. Clearly, this is unacceptable. Thank god for the government's work coaches and euthanasia proposals.
I'm sure you will agree anyone who is no use to a capitalist is no use to society. Thankfully, the government has another exciting proposal to get the workshy back into work. Wes Streeting wants to force every unemployed person to have a fat jab if they’re slightly overweight.
Going forwards, you will be unable to claim Universal Credit, unless you accept a humiliating full body examination by an unqualified healthcare practitioner because there are no GPs left.
If you have above average BMI, you will be forcibly jabbed with an experimental weight loss drug which might come with horrible side effects, but will also make Streeting’s donors lots of money.
Wes says he is confident his new plan will not be the next Thalidomide scandal, and I don't understand why anyone wouldn’t trust Wes. He is one of the most convincingly human politicians I’ve seen all day.
All you need to know is that if you find yourself out of work, you are a useless piece of shit, and if you suffer mental health difficulties due to capitalism, we hate you.
You should be grateful that if you get a job, you can enjoy the work rights that Labour was going to introduce before Starmer changed his mind. Well, you won’t be able to enjoy them, but you can fantasise about them as you earn £11.44 an hour, despite having a master’s degree and four kids x
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Well, we all know that mental illness is caused by mentally ill people, just as homelessness is caused by homeless people, so the cost saving opportunities are clear.
But why stop there? Old age is caused by old people, and illness by ill people, so let's just get rid of all of them. Problem solved!
Tempted to add that wars are caused by armies, but that would be a bridge too far.
Surely this contravenes human rights laws? It's worrying not only that Labour is coming up with authoritarian brainwaves from utter monsters like Streeting and Kendall, but also that it's so politically inept that one suspects we're on the verge of a police state. But Brits can be very stupidly cruel, so ,maybe this to cheer people up when there aren't Israeli atrocities being shown that blame "the other".
On a lighter note, Americans seem to think Starmer's shock troops are "far-left"!