The Metropolitan Police are protecting Boris Johnson again

This should buy him some time

As everyone in the country is talking about Huw Edwards’ alleged wanking, I would like to divert your attention to a far less important story: our former prime minister being in contempt of court.

I’m sorry to distract you with such titillation when you’d much rather hear about Huw and OnlyFans, but as a trained propagandist, diversion is my job.

Boris Johnson was ordered to hand his phone over to the Covid Inquiry by 4pm on Monday, but he refused because it contains shocking admissions that he never gave a crap about Covid victims, and also a nude selfie of Michael Fabricant (we don’t talk about that for obvious reasons).

Sadly, Boris was stupid enough to use his work phone for inappropriate discussions because he was going through his high-and-mighty “I am above the law” phase. This was the period when he tried to be a dictator, attempting to strip the courts of their powers to overrule him, lying to the queen to force through his brilliant Brexit deal, being ambushed by birthday cake while working at a table of party food, hanging out at an oligarch’s sex castle in Perugia, and having two perfectly-timed babies with his secretary.

Given that yours truly was in Johnson’s WhatsApp group, I can reveal his phone shows him joking about the time he pretended to be at death’s door and disappointed everyone with a miraculous recovery. It also contains instructions to his Russian donors to move their assets out of the UK before the sanctions kicked in.

It’s not all bad though, the phone contains important deliberations such as whether to give the PPE contract to Matt Hancock’s landlord mate or the lingerie model who wanted a yacht. While some expressed concern about the pair’s lack of experience, it’s fair to say our health workers got top quality PPE made from Asda’s finest carrier bags.

Given the above, the government has decided it would be in the public interest if we simply forgot about Johnson’s WhatsApps. Unfortunately, Baroness Hallett is a pain in the arse and seems unaware her baroness title can be taken away at any time. Hallett desperately wants to see that Michael Fabricant nude for some reason.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who can see the double-standard here. If it’s bad for news presenters to spend £35,000 on OnlyFans, it’s definitely worse for Hallett to get this stuff for free.

Although Hallett is kicking up a fuss and whining about “the law”, Johnson should thankfully be fine. The Metropolitan Police were quick to assure the public they won’t be taking action because Sir Mark Rowley wants to be made a lord. Plus, high court orders are only enforceable against poor people and lefties.

I understand Sir Mark is taking inspiration from Cressida Dick who went to farcical levels of refusing to investigate Johnson as a thank you for her damehood. Sadly, Cressida couldn’t protect Johnson forever because there’s only so long you can pretend video footage of someone breaking the law doesn’t count as evidence. Someone needs to invent those Men in Black memory-erasing things and a way to purge the internet.

Johnson was considering flying to Kyiv for a photoshoot to remind you of his heroism, but Zelensky told him to piss off so he decided Carrie would squeeze out another baby. Unfortunately, the distraction was not big enough because he’s already used this one twice before. He really should’ve gone for twins this time.

Boris initially wanted to go with the “my dog ate the phone” excuse, but he can’t blame Dilyn because the phone is stored in a safe in Downing Street. This is because Johnson’s phone number had been publicly available for 15 years after the dipshit published it on a website and forgot, causing a national security incident. Thankfully, this was Johnson’s one careless moment as a politician and his judgement since has been impeccable.

Yesterday, the BBC admirably reported that Shrodinger’s phone is both stored in a safe in Downing Street and in the possession of Johnson’s lawyers. All BBC journalists are trained in obfuscation and experts at covering for the government, but sadly, we’re not so good at covering our webcams, are we Huw?

It seems the only reason the government has not handed the phone over to the inquiry is that Johnson is not telling anyone the passcode. Johnson insists he and a “security expert” (Nadine Dorries) are trying to figure out how to “switch the phone on safely”, leading to suspicions Michael Fabricant has wired it to explosives.

Johnson’s totally sincere attempts to switch on the phone have involved not pressing the power button and talking in Latin, but sadly, this only resulted in summoning the corpse of Margaret Thatcher. Johnson and his security expert are out of ideas and crossing their fingers the phone switches itself on because they’d be so upset if it didn’t.

When the phone does eventually switch itself on, Johnson is optimistic that if it doesn’t explode, all incriminating data will be corrupted. This is because he accidentally dropped it in Nadine’s glass of 1945 Romanee-Conti approximately 15 times. This is a mistake anyone could make x

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