The police have saved the Tories from peaceful protesters

They used their powers of precognition again

The Conservative Party conference has been happening in Manchester and you can’t have missed it because it’s the most exciting public event since the GB News launch party when everyone in attendance was so happy, they looked like they’d been diagnosed with a horrible illness. That’s the level of excitement we’re talking about, but you already knew that because let’s be honest, you have no life beyond drinking tea out of your Margaret Thatcher cup and watching reruns of Antique’s Roadshow.

Fortunately, security was taken seriously today because there was a real danger the country’s most beloved politicians could’ve been subjected to mean words from the people whose lives they destroyed.

Greater Manchester Police took inspiration from their colleagues in the Met and decided it would be a brilliant idea to stop a coach carrying members of the People’s Assembly, under suspicion of pre-crime.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there is a terrifying epidemic of pre-crime and without the precogs (Sophie Corcoran, Tom Harwood and Nana Akua) who spend 100% of their lives in a milk bath and have no contact with the real world, there is a risk the Tories’ biggest fans (me, Kirstie Allsopp, Katie Hopkins and Roy Chubby Brown) would witness peaceful protests and feel annoyance.

Anyways, the police did arrest one dangerous bastard after finding a blank piece of paper in his pocket that he called a “tissue” and they battered a “dodgy-looking woman” who they had reason to believe would yell: “Prince Andrew is a sweaty nonce!” There’s always one.

A pro-EU terrorist called Steve Bray was told he was protesting in an unauthorised area (too close to the conference building) and he was moved to a big field in Oldham where he could shout into his megaphone all he likes, much to the dismay of the nearby seagulls.

Thanks to the pre-arrests the entire day went smoothly, and Rishi Sunak’s adoring fans marched safely through the streets of Manchester, chanting:

“Tories! Tories! Tories! Out! Out! Out!”

“Out” being an abbreviation of outstanding, obviously. I mean what else would it mean?

The conference itself was brilliant. Well, it was fucking boring, but that’s not the point. I loved it! A record 16 people were in attendance and they had an average age of 106, proving once again the Tories are the party of the future.

Six attendees fell asleep during the riveting speeches, and given the greyness of their skin, there was genuine fear they might have died. I was going to attempt CPR, but a medic advised me they are so old, there is every chance their bodies would crumble. Instead, we woke them up by pretending leftie traitor Gary Lineker had walked into the room, prompting one of them to reach for his “Lee-Enfield bolt-action rifle”.

It took us fifteen minutes to explain to him that World War II ended quite a few years ago. He then said: “God save the queen,” and we didn’t have the heart to break it to him.

There was further confusion when someone called Grant Shapps spoke, and it was only when he ran through his six aliases that people remembered he was the multi-millionaire web marketer known as Michael Green to the many people he duped.

For some reason, Michael never highlighted any of the Tories’ successes such as worst social mobility for 50 years and 14 million people living in poverty, with the number of children in poverty doubling. He never even mentioned that families have never got so much poorer over a single parliament in the entire history of the UK. If a Tory sociopath can’t brag about that, what can they brag about?

Sadly, Michael had nothing interesting to say, but he did an outstanding job of pretending the country is not falling apart, and instead of discussing policy, he told us that he wanted a cold war with China. Those hunter-killer AUKUS submarines will come as brilliant news to all the people at food banks.

“We are the largest defence spender in Europe,” Michael boasted, failing to thank the people dying on NHS waiting lists for their sacrifice. Instead, he told us how shit Starmer is because he knows he is going to be prime minister and he has nothing nice to say about the current one. Presumably, Rishi is not evil enough for Michael’s liking.

Incidentally, I interviewed Rishi on my brilliant TV program today and I accidentally forgot to go easy on him. I pointed out that fewer people voted for him (zero) than voted for Liz Truss (80,000 Tory members) and that’s really embarrassing. Rishi explained that lack of democracy is fine because he believes he is doing the right things. He might be the only one, but that doesn’t matter, does it?

All that matters is that Rishi is making “long-term decisions for a brighter future” such as abandoning our climate commitments and banning 20mph zones x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x