The war on Christmas has reached its inevitable conclusion

This is deeply upsetting...

Just a quick message because I’m really drunk… Okay, that was a lie! I’m not cool enough to be drunk, it’s just that I want to get back to playing with my VR headset (my kids seem to think I bought it for them).

Before I play I Am Cat, I just wanted to let you know that working class children have been left without presents this year as the war on Christmas reached its inevitable conclusion. You need to be angry about this, given that tis the season to be jolly and all that.

I’m hearing that several dismembered reindeer were found on a rooftop in Walthamstow and the whereabouts of Santa is currently unknown. It’s feared he was taken hostage by someone who had earlier been heard saying “Happy holidays”. Fucking monster.

Lefties, Muslims, and the LGBT community are among the prime suspects for this heinous act of terrorism and… and… what do you mean, no one believes in the war on Christmas anymore because there is an actual war on Christmas?

Are you seriously suggesting I should feel bad that our bombs and bullets aren’t taking the day off? If I was capable of empathy, I wouldn’t be on your TV screens, would I?

I thought we agreed today is not the day to care about the less fortunate, unless we can use them as fodder in our culture war. It’s the day we celebrate the birth of our lord and saviour, Santa Claus, and exchange ridiculously expensive shit that we don’t need so we can feel closer to God. It’s also a day for quiet reflection, a day when we pay our respects to the people who keep us safe, particularly Benjamin Netanyahu.

You will be reassured to hear the Israeli prime minister has sent a predator drone to a stable in Bethlehem because no one wanted to take in the refugees that were sleeping there. Israeli snipers had earlier taken out “three wise men” who were suspiciously bringing gifts to a baby in a manger.

It’s unclear if we’re pretending a tunnel was hidden beneath the stable so I’ll let you know, the moment we’ve got our story straight. What I can confirm is that Netanyahu had asked Sir Keir Starmer if the UK would accept the refugee family, but the prime minister wanted to sound “tough on immigration”.

A spokesperson for the prime minister boasted the government has ended the Tories’ “open-door immigration policy” which was so open that people had to sneak into the British Isles in dinghies, half of them drowning on the way. That’s how welcoming the Tories were to refugees. Well, you will be pleased to know Labour is even less welcoming to refugees, especially to babies.

Since no one wanted the family in the stable and Israel certainly wasn’t going to let goyim pollute their land, Benjamin Netanyahu had no choice but to commit his 26th war crime of the day.

Devout Christian Joe Biden justified the action, explaining "Israel has a right to defend itself", regardless of what international law says. The rest of the West got on with stuffing their faces and watching Love Actually again. Ignoring the plight of refugees is truly the message of Christmas, as confirmed by our great prophet, the Easter bunny x

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