Trump cancels all assassination attempts this week as mark of respect for King Charles
President Trump has cancelled all further assassination attempts that were scheduled for this week as a mark of respect for the visiting King Charles. I’m sure you will be relieved to know that both men will get through the week unscathed. The Secret Service is just glad they won’t look like fools for a few days, but expectant widow Melania is said to be “distraught” by the announcement. Oh well, Trump can’t please everyone, can he?
Yesterday, the White House saw the first visit from a British King and Queen since 1939, which coincidentally was the last time we were dragged into a World War. I’m confident there are no parallels to today though. The President is doing such a good job of stabilising the world, isn’t he?
When the King and Queen met the President and First Lady, the first thing Trump said was “You don’t like them as young as your brother, do you?” Trump then explained he was thinking of making himself “King of America” so he can cancel the midterms. He confessed that he is a big fan of Henry VIII, a man who shared his family values.
Needless to say, it was a huge honour for Trump to finally meet the brother of Prince Andrew, someone Trump grew close to on Epstein Island. As a close friend of the late Sir Jimmy Saville, Charles is confident that he and Trump can have a “special relationship” too. He feels that meeting a proud war criminal like Trump will help the monarchy rehabilitate its tarnished image.
Fingers crossed that Trump gives Prince Andrew a Presidential pardon along with his good friend Ghislaine Maxwell. He can do that, right? It’s fair to say the President needs to do something to lift the mood because the King is worried that the British economy will collapse due to the oil crisis, and Trump will steal the Falkland Islands for Javier Milei.
While such a move would probably strain relations with the UK to the point that the prime minister expressed mild disapproval, it might be the only way for Trump to show his supporters that he is still a winner. Nothing else seems to be working…
When Trump heroically survived the staged assassination attempt, he was hopeful it would improve his ratings. However, he went down a further two points and a Fox News poll showed that 70% of MAGA believe the shooting was a false flag.
A more accurate poll from Normal Island News (that relied on Trumpian percentages) showed that 807% of Americans believe Trump staged the shooting so he can build his ball room. As a result, the President ran away from the idea of further false flags, faster than his aircraft carriers run away from laundry room fires.
It seems like the propaganda just doesn’t work anymore. Sensible journalists like myself had leapt to the defence of Trump, using the magic words “conspiracy theorist” to silence anyone who questioned him. Unfortunately, we looked as foolish as a British MP arguing they have a right to get drunk in parliament. I’m starting to think we’re out of touch.
The false flag backfired so spectacularly that Trump spent much of yesterday telling people “I’m not a paedophile”, all because Kash Patel got carried away while writing the shooter’s manifesto. Unfortunately, everyone knows Trump means the opposite of what he says so he is now in an impossible position. It’s like the Strait of Hormuz situation all over again…
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That's a relief. It's been a tough week and it's only Tuesday!
You know things really have gone off the cliff, when 807% really does sound like the more accurate number.