Trump confesses he made up story about Iran obtaining Tomahawk missiles to bomb its own girls' school

In a stunning turn of events, the most honest US president since at least President Biden has admitted that he lied.

Just yesterday Donald Trump senile, I mean senior, gave us a story that every rational person should have blindly accepted—Iran had got its hands on Tomahawk missiles and bombed its own girls’ school to make him look bad. Sadly, Trump has now been forced to admit it was he who bombed that girls’ school, making himself look bad.

It’s fair to say the president hasn’t felt this uncomfortable since Melania caught him in bed with a hooker and walked out, saying: “At least it’s not me this time!”

When the girls’ school was bombed last week, the US military shrugged and said it was “investigating” while bots and shills flooded the internet with stories about an enemy missile that had misfired. This was a strategy they had used to conceal many war crimes in Gaza so you can imagine their frustration when it didn’t work this time. Everyone was just like: “Yeah, we’ve heard this one a thousand times before!”

Now that Trump has been caught spreading fake news, major efforts are being made to control social media so that he doesn’t get caught again. The empire even activated its liberal assets to emotionally blackmail everyone who didn’t believe the original lie. Unquestionably, the most impressive conspiracy theory was conjured up by comedian Omid Djabili whose words have the added weight of Iranian heritage.

Omid insisted that although the misfired rocket story was bullshit, the truth was actually much darker: Iran intentionally bombed that school and trucked in bodies that had been kept on ice since the protests. Yes, Omid expected you to believe that Iran had been stockpiling little girls and defrosted them just to frame Trump. If you didn’t automatically believe Omid, you must hate Iranians.

Unfortunately, it seems everyone hates Iranians, given that no one believed Omid, just because journalists had obtained footage that clearly showed a Tomahawk missile striking that school.

To make matters worse, the school was struck twice in a “double tap” that also killed rescuers, and an internal report suggested the US was likely responsible. Given the US was attacking a nearby Iranian base at the time, not even I, with all my powers of propaganda, could think of a convincing cover story, but Trump could…

The US president had one last trick up his sleeve: the fact his idiot supporters are the most gullible people on earth. When journalists questioned Trump about the footage of the missile, he explained: “Whether it’s Iran or somebody else, a Tomahawk is very generic. It’s sold to other countries, but that’s being investigated right now.”

Even Trump—a man with so little self-respect, he goes out with an unfinished spray tan and wig on the wrong way—couldn’t bring himself to finish the lie. But the implication was clear: Iran had sneakily obtained a couple of Tomahawks and used them to attack the school. The only part I’m unclear on is was Omid correct about the Ayatollah defrosting those little girls or were they dummies? I guess we’ll never know…

Despite the lack of clarity, Trump’s latest lie was undeniably true—until it wasn’t, a matter of hours later. By this point, Trump’s weary generals were distancing themselves from his “Tomahawk tantrum”, forcing him to come clean, like a toddler whose face is covered in chocolate.

Trump humiliatingly admitted he made the Tomahawk story up because he “just didn’t know enough about it”. Trump’s baffled supporters are now left wondering what other things he might have been lying about this past decade. I can’t begin to imagine, but several million Epstein files might contain clues…

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