Two-horse by-election race between Labour and Reform won by... the Greens

In a huge threat to democracy, the electorate in Gorton and Denton have voted against the will of the establishment. Sensible journalists like myself had billed the by-election as a “two-horse race” between Labour and Reform (the only acceptable choices), only for someone called Hannah to steal the seat by tricking people into voting for her. Truly, this is a national scandal.

Hannah is a 34-year-old plumber, marathon runner, and rescuer of greyhounds who has become the Greens’ first ever MP in the north of England. She romped to victory with 14,980 votes—way more than Reform’s Matt Goodwin, who took 10,578 votes—and absolutely demolishing Labour’s Angeliki Stogia, who took a pitiful 9,364 votes.

Obviously, we sensible journalists have put on a straight face in our TV studios this morning and took the result with good grace... by blaming the defeat on a conspiracy by Muslims. Hopefully, the courts will overturn the election result on the basis that too many brown people voted. It’s our only hope…

We had somehow convinced ourselves that Labour’s campaign of non-stop lies was going well because it appealed to our ignorance. For example, the campaign vans pretended the Greens want to give your children drugs, and even prostitute your daughters.

Labour sensibly made leaflets that claimed a tactical voting company called Tactical Choice was backing them, but Tactical Choice doesn’t exist. Actual tactical voting companies were backing the Greens, just because they were leading in the polls. I honestly don’t know how the Greens got away with these underhand tactics…

Hannah’s fiendish strategy involved standing for a party that has actual policies and a leader who cares about ordinary people. Disturbingly, Hannah comes across as a normal human who wasn’t created in a politician factory. I saw disturbing videos of Hannah interacting with members of the public and seeming warm and kind. She didn’t even need security guards to drag hecklers away.

Hannah seems like someone you would want to be friends with—and everyone knows politicians aren’t allowed friends. I’m not clear how such a likeable person was allowed onto the ballot, but here we are. Hannah could set a worrying precedent where more nice, ordinary people get into politics for the right reasons. If that happens, the gravy train is basically over.

Tragically, Labour could have plausibly taken the Gorton and Denton seat. All Starmer had to do was let Andy Burnham stand, but then Burnham would have launched a leadership bid and the days of Mr Forensic would have been over. Selflessly, Starmer screwed his own party to save himself, and it probably won’t work anyway. We have the local elections coming up and if this result is anything to go by, they are going to be… brutal.

One of the most concerning aspects of this result is how the Greens took far more votes than pollsters had suggested. While the Greens were predicted to get 28% of the vote, they swept to victory with over 40%. Even worse, this was in a seat that Labour won with over 50% of the vote last time. I can’t believe the Mandelson effect wasn’t enough to secure victory.

The Labour Party is now in disarray, after discovering that offering the public nothing, saying “if you don’t like it you can leave”, and mimicking Reform is not a winning strategy. Now let’s spare a thought for Matt Goodwin of Reform who couldn’t win, despite having his own show on GB News (the only news organisation even more reputable than Normal Island News).

Propagandists like Matt and myself worked hard to convince you that fascism is what the working class wants, but shockingly, workers are not brain-dead caricatures. Some are actually capable of voting in their self-interest. This suggests they might be growing self-aware and realising they greatly outnumber us. Oh shit…

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