UK had nothing better to spend £8M on than portrait of king

Food banks think this is an excellent use of money

The UK has decided that since it has absolutely no problems whatsoever, it should spend £8 million on a picture of the bloke called Charles, also known as King Wrong Un.

The picture cost the same as the Adoration of the Magi sold for in 1985, but while Andrea Mantegna's masterwork is an unquestionable thing of beauty, the picture of the bloke called Charles is a rather nightmarish image. Sensibly, Camilla (the worst downgrade ever) was left out of the picture because one half of this couple is creepy enough for anyone’s liking.

The picture shows the genetically-confused offspring of cousins proudly standing in the UK’s most expensive council house, wearing a military uniform in the same way as 5-year-olds dress up as cowboys or fairies or Buzz Lightyear, only this individual is more like 105-years-old and closely resembles the creatures Buzz Lightyear was designed to fight.

Since no one wants to buy the world’s most expensive picture, the royal family is giving copies away to schools and homes with naughty children. It is hoped this will scare the children into obedience and stop them being woke. At first it was suggested using Prince Andrew for this purpose, but everyone agreed that would be going too far. Not even northern children deserve to see Andrew’s terrifying mug every day.

The king, who counted Sir Jimmy Saville and Jeffrey Epstein as close family friends, explained: “One hopes the nation’s children don’t turn out bad like one’s stepson who married a bla… I mean Ame... I mean woman one disapproves of for no obvious reason.” We all know what you mean, your majesty. We were worried Meghan would give you ginger grandkids too.

In order to show he is not spending your tax money frivolously, King Charles euthanised one of his servants to feed the corgis this week. Also, they were told they would be getting no more gold leaf desserts for the foreseeable future. We all have to make sacrifices to pay for Charles’ vanity projects.

One treasonous Twitter user suggested making the monarchy subscription-based because he never uses it, but it's feared that nobody would be interested in the king, even if they could share passwords, so it’s better if he is imposed on you. Just think of Charles as an add-on for your TV licence that you can't cancel.

Interestingly, I’m told this version of the monarch is King Charles III, but I’m unclear what happened to the first two King Charleses, perhaps they were defective or something so we replaced them with a better version. If this really is the better version, the mind truly boggles, but we'll worship Charles regardless because we don't do democracy on Normal Island. We do expensive pictures of people no one likes.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace called Nicholas Witchell explained: “The royal portrait represents exceptional value for money, costing the tax payer just 3,319,502 school meals or 62% of a Virginia Giuffre. Charles never got himself involved in a paedo scandal so I think we can let him have this one.”

However, a spokesperson for North Korea was not so supportive and said: “We are truly baffled as to why the UK would display such a self-indulgent picture in so many buildings across the nation. North Korea can’t imagine having such an egotistical leader or a brainwashed population. It's just weird.”

I feel so wounded x

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