Ursula von der Leyen wants Europe to build bomb shelters instead of doing peace

She is keeping the dream of World War III alive

Ursula von der Leyen has come up with a brilliant alternative to not doing World War III, that alternative is building bomb shelters across Europe! The EU president pointed out that Finland has 50,000 bomb shelters that are so well-equipped, Finns can basically live underground until the day Ursula stops smirking about refugees drowning in the Mediterranean and children being melted in Gaza. In other words, several decades from now.

Ursula was demoted to EU president when she failed as German defence minister and they wanted her as far away as possible. The conservative reject is campaigning for a second term so she’s wooing voters by asking the EU to prepare for world war (Germany’s national sport). She needs 361 votes from those who don’t think she’s an unhinged sociopath, or don’t mind her being an unhinged sociopath, and surprisingly, she is struggling to find the numbers, even though she’s really hard.

Ursula wants you to know she is not afraid of Russia because she has nuke-proof hairspray. She has therefore decided the biggest threat we face is not nuclear annihilation, it’s actually misinformation and foreign influence. Thankfully, Israel is exempt from the foreign influence thing and Ursula is exempt from the misinformation thing, which is why she was happy to push the 40 beheaded babies claim.

As well as trying to start World War III, Ursula is trying to censor the internet and force Europeans to have digital IDs so she can monitor potential thought criminals. Ursula explained she wants to control social media because it’s hate speech to oppose her war-mongering. She is eager for the US to prepare its military corridors to Russia before the ICC investigates her for complicity in war crimes and genocide.

Let’s hope she escapes justice because if they arrest Ursula, this means they can arrest any of our politicians, and I’m sure you will agree that would be horrible.

Sadly, Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games no longer has influence over UK politics at a time when we face unimaginable dangers, such as banana milkshake attacks. Thankfully, Rishi Sunak agrees with the EU president on this one, even though he thinks the EU is bad and everything it does is wrong.

I’m told Rishi is considering building bomb shelters in Britain with all the money we didn’t spend ending homelessness. Earlier this year, Vault-Tec made a substantial contribution to the Tory Party in the hope of winning the contract, but it's facing stiff competition from Michelle Mone who has a Blue Peter guide to making bomb shelters out of cardboard and sticky back plastic.

Given the Tory Party has only a month left in power, you might be concerned you won’t be getting a Mone Shelter™ in your garden after all. However, you will be relieved to hear Labour backs the plan because their manifesto is identical to the Tories’.

In a reassuring moment for democracy, the two party leaders had a televised debate last night in which they agreed with each other about everything and hugged at the end. The public were evenly split over who won, and many were so confused, they actually thought Rishi was debating in front of a mirror. All that matters is whoever wins, you won’t be getting a GP appointment any time soon, but you will be getting bombs x

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