Wagner calls off assault on Moscow due to laryngitis

Putin has been spared the torment of karaoke... for now

I can exclusively reveal that Wagner of X Factor fame has called off his assault on Moscow after sadly coming down with laryngitis. The charismatic military general had been seeking retribution for Putin’s constant mispronunciation of his name. (It’s Varg-ner not Wag-ner, you idiots!)

NATO is now saying it knew three weeks in advance about the rebellion that took them totally by surprise, and they definitely had nothing to do with it. If you believe that, I have a Crimean bridge to sell you.

Washington temporarily suspended sanctions against Wagner and were offering the $6.2 (or is it $6.2 billion?) lost to “accounting errors” as a price on Putin’s head, but now that Wagner has backed down, the sanctions are back and they’ve decided he’s evil again. I wish they’d make their minds up!

For 36 hours, Putin had faced the terrifying possibility of NATO-backed renditions of “Bat Out of Hell” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, but now that history’s deadliest singer has lost his voice, that possibility seems to be over… for now.

After a panic-stricken exchange of DMs (because Wagner lost his voice), the rogue general retreated to Belarus and President Lukashenko confirmed he won’t accidentally fall out of a tenth floor window. I understand charges of treason against Wagner have been dropped due to the fear of his exceptional vocal range.

There are, however, concerns in Moscow the stalemate could all be a ruse. Perhaps General Wagner is simply biding his time until his voice returns and he has the opportunity to practice some new routines, even try on some frilly shirts and continue his assault, possibly with the help of the Belarussian army.

Only yesterday, Wagner ruthlessly brought down a Russian Il-22 passenger jet after the pilot was dazzled by his floral shirt with a vibrant sheen. This vibrant sheen makes Wagner undetectable to radar and able to deflect missiles, making him close to indestructible. This explains how he was able to get within 200 kilometres of Moscow, conquering military bases in Rostov and Voronezh without singing a word. Wagner even helped himself to Halls Soothers at a petrol station, although his men ensured they politely queued like regular customers.

Given the horror of the plane crash, it’s important to remember the recent violence has not all been one way. Putin had reportedly fired a rocket that killed 2,000 members of Wagner’s army of private mercenaries, suggesting he’s not as innocent as he claims.

Did I mention Wagner has an army of private mercenaries? Or as Wagner prefers to call them, “backing singers”. On top of that, he has a reserve army called “groupies”.

His ecstatic fans were out on the streets of Rostov, shouting: “Wagner! Wagner! Wagner!” because they too are outraged at Putin’s recent behaviour. Invading a neighbouring country is apparently fine, but mispronouncing a pop legend’s name is a step too far, and they want this to be settled with a sing off. (I’ve heard Putin does a powerful Celine Dion, “My heart Will Go On” being his favourite). Putin is clearly the underdog here, but a state-of-the-art weapons system known as an “auto-tuner” could yet even the odds.

If things weren’t bad enough for Putin, a peace delegation led by Liz Truss has arrived in Moscow, forcing his regime to flee to bunkers to hide from her radioactive handshake. Russians know all too well what Britain’s finest prime minister did to the Queen and they are equally terrified of the possibility of unfunded tax cuts breaking their economy. The vodka export market is looking fragile and the Truss bomb has told her hedge fund mates to bet against it. The writing seems to be on the wall x

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